I (33/M) have always had a complex relationship with my eldest brother (49). I could write a whole book on our complexities, but I'll keep it relatively (no pun intended) short here.
I was raised by a single mother who had four kids: three boys (me as the third) and a girl, who's the youngest. My mother had my eldest brother when she was 16, then she had me when my brother was going on 16. You probably can already see where this is going.
As forementioned, we were all raised by a single mother and each of our fathers were different and had little, if any, involvement in our lives. My eldest had the biggest brunt of it because he was raised by a teenage single mother who was still learning a lot about life herself. So he felt he had to become the "man of the house" for most of his childhood. My second to oldest brother, 5 years his senior, told me stories about how he used to get bossed around a lot by him.
Fast forward to my childhood, I always had to deal with my eldest brother filling the father role, which included being disciplined a/k/a whooped as corporal punishment. At the time, I felt like he was the adult and I was a child so there wasn't anything I could do about it and to just bow down to his rank.
Fast forward to my adulthood, my eldest brother have 6 kids of his own now (ranging from 26 to 7). Yet he still reminds me of how severely outranked I am to his seniority. He always curses like a sailor my whole life and, again as an adult, I started to curse around him. He didn't like that and demanded I don't do that anymore because "you don't treat me like your peer." I blew his demand off because I felt like I was an adult and he was an adult, so what's the problem? I felt like if he didn't want me to curse around him AS A FUCKIN' ADULT, then maybe he shouldn't curse around me profusely either. Needless to say, he got angry to the point went to meet me outside of my house (in the middle of a snowstorm mind you) and punched me in the face. I figure he was trying to express his corporal punishment to humble me ("You will RESPECT ME!" he ordered) but really it made me hate him with deep resentment.
I fell out with him and ceased contact for a while after that. My mother made me resume by calling him in front of me to wish him a happy birthday. She knew how much I didn't like to speak with my brother, even before the fight. But her mode is "you choose your friends, you don't choose your family" and wanted me to work it out with him even through the differences.
I made up with my brother, took me three years to even talk about the fight... or even talk to him period. He apologized about the punch, which I appreciate, but he still reminded me of how I can't curse around him out of respect for him and he even gaslit ("Would you ask your aunt about why she curses so much?") me during the conversation. He always told me about how "You don't question elders." And I find myself giving in to his demand to make nice for the family, but mostly to do what he wants so he can leave me the fuck alone. Like a robber having you at gunpoint, you let him take what he wants so he can leave and you live.
The last conversation I had with him yesterday though... it reminds me of how I really need to change the dynamic of this relationship. Because he was talking 90% of the time and I listened. But I refrained from saying anything because I know if I talk to him like he talks to me (again, sailor mouth), I would have to end up dealing with another fight, which could implode the family. Each time I talk with him, I feel as if I'm responsible for his anger if I were to say something he doesn't like. I'm thinking about asking him to go to a family therapy with me because if we were to continue a relationship, it has to be healthy because I could only pretend so much to go along just to get along. Would the best outcome for me is to cut off ties with him? If I get to that outcome, I may have to cut the family off as well especially if they'll keep him around. If it gets to that point. So yeah, any advice would be helpful. I appreciate anyone who read this far and I'm calculating my next move to make sure I won't react out of anger or emotions, as well. Because I know it won't be too pretty.
Tl;Dr version: I have a toxic relationship with my eldest brother who's 16 years older than I am. He feels like I'm treating him too much like one of his homies and I feel like he's treating me too much like I'm one of his kids. We've fought big time before and made up. But what should I do to make sure this moment won't get repeated? Thanks for reading!
Submitted December 03, 2021 at 04:52AM by Independent-Try-9498 https://ift.tt/3rxKbox
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