Dealing with a hoarder parent (65F) with psychological issues that I (35M) feel can no longer live alone. When to cut your losses?

TLDR: My mom has a warped perception of things and believes she can continue to live alone in a filthy and hazardous hoarding situation. For the first time in 20 years, I think the legal threshold has been met to force her into an assisted living situation. I want my mom to be safe but I don’t want a close a relationship due to the emotional abuse. Should I spend the emotional and financial resources to force the issue or just cut my losses since I'm going to be hated either way?

I recognize this is a bit long, so below I just broke it down into the background, current situation, and my issue if you want to read it.

Background:

Basically, my mom is disabled due to a nerve injury she sustained about 30 years ago due to an accident at work. She was eventually forced to stop working about 20 years ago and her mental health has understandably tanked since then. I think the key thing to point out here is while there's undoubtedly a physical injury, the bulk of the problems stem from her mental health. I'm an only child and my parents divorced before I was even 5, so it was just me dealing with this growing up.

Long story short, my mom has just shut down for the last 20 years. Essentially though, there's a continued cycle of the house deteriorating to unacceptable and unsafe levels. She's a hoarder with way too many pets, so trash, dirty clothes, and animal excrement just starts accumulating. Beyond just the deplorable sanitary conditions, it get so cluttered that she frequently trips and falls (she's broken her leg in there). Someone always manages to step in eventually to clean it up but there is always a ton of drama surrounding it. She's never been able to maintain the house for any sustained period of time once it's been cleaned. She has so many different excuses for why this is.

Where I fit into all this is a bit complicated now. There's no question the relationship got to be codependent. I did what I could up till about my mid-20s but I wasn't in the best position to help due to my deep depression triggered by all this. I also began to recognize my help was pointless because she was doing literally nothing to help herself. I came to recognize that not only was there nothing I could do here, the situation was actually very detrimental to my mental health. After trying to set some boundaries and her repeatedly ignoring them, I cut contact with her for a few years.

I knew the situation was bad but it was only till I was out of it that I recognized how toxic it was. Despite the guilt, cutting her off for that time was one of the best things I've ever done. To say she was emotionally neglectful is an understatement. I also realized she was likely a covert narcissist and was manipulating me every step of the way. In particular, she deliberately turned me against my father and I'd be lying if I said didn't still feel some anger over that. It also explains how she's managed to blow up every relationship with friends and family that she's ever had (of course, she's always the victim!). Growing up, I thought all these bad things happening to my mom was just bad luck but nope. Anyways, I resumed contact with her about 5 years ago after I felt I was emotionally able to handle things again. Communication is low now and I deliberately keep her at an arm's length for my own sanity. The condition of her house and her pets are kind of a don't ask, don't tell thing because conflict always arises when they come up.

Current Situation:

It’s been about 3 years since I was last home. I don't really go visit due to the above and also because there’s no place for me to stay due to the hoarding and excessive pet hair (my allergies can't handle it). I was just recently contacted by a neighbor after my mom had been in the emergency room twice in the last month or so. The hospital was looking for next of kin information because my mom refused to provide it to the hospital or her neighbor. Officially, my mom was in the ER because her potassium levels were dangerously low but really it’s because she was literally starving herself. Her hoarding is to the point where she can’t physically get in the kitchen now. To give an idea of her thought process, it turns out my mom had stopped trash service during the pandemic to save money since she wasn't taking out the trash. It's very likely my mom would have died twice in these last 2 months had her neighbor not called for an ambulance.

My mom going to the ER for various reasons isn’t an uncommon occurrence. About a day after her neighbor contacted me, an RN Case Manager at the hospital called me to discuss my mom’s situation. She discussed the condition of her house, her ER visits, all the wellness complaints from neighbors and service providers over the years, and how my mom was likely not going to be released to go home. It was refreshing to actually talk to someone who was actually seeing all my mom’s manipulation first hand. She also pointed out something I had long suspected, my mom’s perception of reality seems warped. It’s been a he said, she-said things for years since my mom deliberately keeps me away from her care providers.

Low and behold a week or so later, my mom was released from the hospital. Due to a family emergency with the doctor, they were not able to administer a psyche evaluation in time and couldn't keep her any longer at the hospital. My mom has gone ballistic after animal control was called in to take her pets from the house at the RN Case Manager’s request. It took animal control 2-hours in hazmat suits to go in and they're still not even certain they got all the animals. My mom is blaming her pregnant neighbor who she had instructed to feed them. She’s also angry that her neighbor reached out to me to the first place.

My mom really blew up on me when I refused to give her $1,000 to get all her pets out of the shelter. This was after consulting her RN Case Manager about how she had even gotten out of the hospital in the first place. My mom was completely vicious on the phone to me and used every form of manipulation in the book. She ended things by saying she wished I was never born and never wanted to talk to me again.

In the days since, my mom has been trying to gaslight me through text messages. She’s been trying to discredit and trash both her neighbor and the RN Case Manager who I’ve spoken with. She claims they have no idea what they’re talking about. She says she’ll have the house cleaned up in 2 weeks (I think that's impossible) and that her doctors and counselor think she’s doing great. I’m apparently just not being supportive for even thinking she can’t live alone anymore. She now believes the neighbor, the RN Case Manager, and myself are actively hindering her progress. I'm not even going to respond to her anymore since it's just a waste of time.

My issue:

I’ve avoided stepping in previously to try to force a change in her living situation because I know from professional experience how challenging that is to do unless the evidence is overwhelming. People do have a right not to take care of themselves to a point. However, now it looks like that threshold has been reached and I can force the issue through legal means. Despite my mom being very intelligent, it doesn’t sound like it’ll be that difficult to get her declared incompetent now. I guess what I’m struggling with now is should I?

I really want my mom to be safe and I know her house is detrimental to her health. I don’t want her to die alone in a filthy house. However, I have difficulties wanting any real relationship with her given how toxic and manipulative things are. I feel like a terrible son even questioning whether it’s worth the emotional and financial toll to force her into some sort of assisted living type situation now. These last few weeks have just brought back so many bad memories and caused such emotional distress that I’m questioning whether I should just cut my losses here. I'm just tired of fighting her. It at least sounds like Adult Protective Services will do something eventually but there's no telling when or whether she'd survive that long.

Submitted December 10, 2021 at 07:54PM by Blide https://ift.tt/3rShh2R