Three months into a new relationship, I'm (54M) struggling with her (46F) unique needs. Time to pull the pin and yet it feels difficult to do so.

I've (56M) had a crush on this woman (46F) for several years but have been in other relationships on and off over that time.

One thing has led to another and we're hanging out and getting to know each other.

It's complicated by the fact that she had a single mastectomy a year ago after a breast cancer diagnosis and so things are moving very slowly on the physical front.

I've been ok with that and we cuddle and kiss for long periods of time which is satisfying to an extent and definitely feels intimate, and I welcome the opportunity to make her feel desirable and attractive. My attraction is genuine and strong and I let her know this.

It's further complicated by the fact that she doesn't feel comfortable with me staying over - on one occasion she said that she feels too vulnerable with someone in her bed. On another occassion she said that it would be too difficult to share a bed as the sexual tension is too high between us and she's not ready to take her top off yet and she doesn't want to have sex with her top on.

Ok, I get it, I can be patient and accommodating and understanding. So when I suggest sharing a bed and her leaving her top on and keeping sex off the agenda for now, she balks and says it would be torture lying there and not having sex. Ok, how about keeping your top on? No, there's no middle ground - sex has to be fully naked or not at all. She's suggested that she might never feel comfortable taking her top off. Ok, no pressure from me, I can work with that.

Out of respect for her boundary, I've dropped the "let's share a bed and wake up together" suggestion when I'm at hers in the evening and have been patiently allowing that to maybe happen when she feels ok with it. I've never been pushy or needy around this - only ever a gentle invitation that we keep cuddling through the night and wake up together. I maybe suggested this on three occasions and have dropped it for now.

The other complication is that she doesn't want to visit me at my house. I live alone in my own place which is 30 minutes drive away from hers.

I've invited her a couple of times but each time she sort of dodges the question. Again, I accomodate her on this and drive to her place every weekend. We hang out, have a meal, kiss and cuddle and then I go home again.

On one occasion I caressed her breast after asking for and receiving her consent. It all seemed fine in the moment - then the next morning she texted me and apologised for it getting "weird" and explained she froze and had a trauma response and was unable to tell me in the moment.

So this then raised ongoing issues of consent - again, I understand and can work with this given what's going on for her. But yeah, the level of finesse and acceptance required on my part is starting to feel difficult to navigate.

Then last night we had another typical evening together. It was quite passionate within the confines of her comfort level. I left to go home knowing that staying the night was off the cards and drove home happily.

I text her this morning asking how she slept, and she responds "not so well as she was trying to process the latest obstacle".

Hmmm, I'm guessing whether it's her chest, a consent issue, her not feeling comfortable with me staying over. But upon enquiring, it turns out that she's not comfortable with me not involving her in my decision to get vaccinated against COVID. We'd discussed vaccination last night and I was very forthcoming about my decision all those months ago to choose to get vaccinated.

This was a decision I made back in May, before even meeting her, and that I followed through on. She was busy today with an outing but I've acknowledged by text message that I understand it's an issue for her and am prepared to talk about it when it suits her. She's been busy since then all day and am yet to hear from her to discuss further. I figure the ball is in her court on this now.

However I also don't feel our lives are merged enough or our relationship has progressed enough that I need to defend my personal medical decisions that don't affect her.

So another "obstacle" and I find myself increasingly aware that all our interactions are based on her fears, real or imagined. I can't see a future where this won't be the dynamic I guess.

This is the honeymoon phase and probably as good as it gets.

I feel I've made a sincere effort to accommodate her across all these fronts and the succession of obstacles and I know she is appreciative to an extent as she's shared her experience with her friends and family around how supportive I am. I take heart from that.

But love is blind as they say and I still feel on the hook and hard to let go even though I'm realising that my needs are seemingly irrelevant. I even tell myself that my wants and needs pale in insignificance compared to her medical trauma and body image issues. But I also have a sense that something is "off" here and I'm heading for a world of pain if I continue to abandon myself in my efforts to prove myself capable of meeting her with her unique set of needs.

TL;DR: new girlfriend has a history of medical trauma and body image issues following single mastectomy. How much compromise does one make before realising you're setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm?

Submitted October 23, 2021 at 10:22PM by discard9090 https://ift.tt/3EdgOLk