My [35F] bf's [36M] drinking is creating disconnect. I think my own substance use is also too high and I want a better life for us.

My partner and I have been living together for 2 years, and together for 4 total. When we first met, he had just accepted a job in a different city and was about to move away. We had an incredible connection, kept in touch, and he began applying to jobs in my city so that he could move back and we could have a chance at a relationship.

I was drawn to him because of his kindness, his discipline, and his quiet charm. He's smart, funny, gorgeous, and I'm deeply in love with him. My friends and family all love him, and we've talked about marriage one day and possibilities for our future.

He's an artist who works in a high pressure role in the film industry, whereas I'm an educator. We both work really long hours, and are ambitious in our careers and take pride in our work. Before the pandemic, we were avid hikers and cyclists. I taught a weekly fitness class, and he was a long distance runner. We liked to go out for drinks or get tipsy together sometimes, but we had other hobbies too. I'm an extrovert and I've always had a really active social life. He's an introvert who doesn't have as many connections, and his work has required him to move around a lot so he doesnt know very many people in our city. This becomes relevant shortly.

When the pandemic started and we were both working from home, it was stressful. Both of our fields underwent major upheavals, and it was hard for us to transition to wfh in a small space. We found ourselves working insane hours, and kind of lowkey depressed and isolated over the last year. We've been making efforts to build in healthier routines, like regular walks and setting aside time for quality time together, as well as seeing friends for outdoor activities. And we try to communicate how we are feeling and care for and comfort each other. However, lately it's been tougher to feel connected, and I'm worried about our substance use and especially his drinking.

It didn't happen overnight, but over the course of the last year I realize he's been drinking more and more, and it's starting to take a toll. If we are having drinks together, he has more and I've had it happen where he's suddenly way more drunk than me and I'm really uncomfortable. Or if I go to bed before him, he stays up drinking and comes to bed wasted, a few times to the point where he's accidentally woken me up because he's loud or bumping into things, and a couple of times where he's drunk to the point of sickness and vomiting while I'm basically sober. I've tried to talk to him about it, and be acknowledges that he's drinking more, but I don't know how to explain how this is affecting me.

My work station is in our bedroom, his is in our living room. So we spend a lot of time in side by side rooms while working. I'll be working late grading papers in our bedroom, and I'll come into the main area to see that he's working but completely drunk and can't carry a decent conversation, or is just really unselfaware and doesn't realize how drunk he is. I think he starts out intending to have one or two drinks, but that quickly becomes 5 or 6 or more and then bam, we aren't on the same page.

It bothers me that he is drinking alone so often, and that he becomes this person that isn't fun to be around (he's not mean or anything, just not sober witty charming self). It bothers me that he doesnt have anyone else local to talk to besides me, whereas I'm in constant communication with my friends and have an emotional support network. It bothers me that sometimes I'm trying to focus or work or think and then I realize he's drunk randomly, and I'm worried about him, and I can't think about anything else.

I miss the man I fell in love with. I don't know how to speak to him about my concerns, while taking care of my own needs. I'm worried that this is going to be a recurring escalating issue and I don't know what to do.

TLDR: My boyfriend has been drinking more, often by himself, in a small shared space where we are both living and working from home in a small apartment. I'm worried about his mental health and I want to support him while also not taking responsibility for, or enabling, or dismissing his alcohol use.

Submitted October 24, 2021 at 05:20AM by evilgetyours https://ift.tt/2ZjcaMB