My [18f] bf [20m] kept touching me while I sleep and idk if I'm just making a big deal out of it in my head. I don't know what to do.

Please excuse me if this is messy or unorganised, I'm writing as I think.

I [18f] just slept on the same bed with my bf [20m] for the first time after 10 months of long distance. He asked if he could hug me and I said yes and I slept. I woke up a couple hours later to him groping my breasts and nipples. I moved his hand back down and I thought that was all. Not a few minutes later, he tried to put his hand again under my shirt and I held his hand and told him to stop. He said sorry and stopped. I went to sleep again and woke up to him trying to put his hand down my pants. I stopped him again and started to get up, he said sorry again and pulled me back to bed. This went on for the rest of the night, at some point I even felt him grind at me from behind. I woke up in the morning, offered him some breakfast and told him he has to go now so that we don't get in trouble (I live in uni dorms).

I have to say that I'm abstinent (I don't engage in any sexual activity before marriage) and I've been clear about it from the very start, when were just friends and when we started dating. I gave him multiple outs at the start, saying I won't ever begrudge him or think any less of him if he needs to leave because this is important for him. He said it's not and he's ready to wait for me. Even if I was not abstinent, I feel like I should have a right to say no to this kind of stuff. I know it can be hard for guys to abstain completely but I never stopped him from doing anything by himself. It might seem silly but I am not okay with even groping/sexual touching. I've also had an experience with a family member sexually assaulting me as a child and he knows about this as well.

It's been a few hours now since he's gone and I don't know how to feel. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel violated. I feel like I didn't say or do enough to stop him. And I feel like I don't ever want to see him again. I want to cry but I'm too confused to even know what to cry about. Other than what happened last night, my bf is a great guy. He's funny, he's caring, considerate, kind and I love him. He's now texting and calling me but I don't want to answer and he just thinks I went back to sleep.

I don't know what to do. What should I say to him. The first time he did it, I thought he was sleeping so I gave him the benefit of the doubt but the following times he actually talked/interacted with me and I'm 100% sure he was awake. Please advice me on how to proceed.. Telling me to "just talk to him" isn't very helpful. What should I tell him? I don't want to hurt him and I'm afraid that I'm just being paranoid tbh, maybe because of my past trauma. I hate myself for thinking of this but right now all I want to do is break up with him. I love him and I know this is just an impulse. What do I do?

TLDR; my [18f] bf [20m] kept touching me as I sleep despite me asking him to stop. I am really confused and don't know what to do now.

Edit: Thanks everyone for your advice. My friend agreed as well so I called him and told him how I feel. He kept saying he made a mistake and that he's sorry. I told him I still need time and he's been spam calling and texting me since then so I will put my phone on flight mode for now. Thanks again.

Edit 2: We broke up.

Submitted October 02, 2021 at 12:22AM by anon_account281 https://ift.tt/3A6L7ku