I sound pretty dramatic given the fact that there's not any fight going on right now.
Essentially I've been with my partner since high school. We are each other's first sexual partners. I've always had stronger feelings. I pursued him for a month, even after he rejected me once. I said I love you first, I wanted to move in together sooner than he did, I brought up marriage after 4 years and he recoiled. He loves me, and we've gotten in some disputes these 10 years that resulted in 3 breaks lasting a week. First time was dating a year, I was 17 and frankly an embarrassment to him. I would pout in public with groups of his friends. I would sit in the backseat of his car when I was upset. I don't know if it was starting birth control that made me so emotional back then, but I didn't have it under control. Next time was in 2015 after 3 years. I got a crush on his roommate and admitted my feelings to him, and he promptly told my boyfriend. That was my first experience feeling anything romantic for someone since my own partner. We are still good friends to him to this day, and I feel nothing that I briefly did. Third break was last year. I was laid off from the pandemic, and lazing about in the house barely applying for one job a day. I don't really have any big excuses for it, I was frustrated that my degree sucked and left me undesirable to most places. So there was a lot of unspoken resentment because he never placed the pressure on me to do anything, he just stewed in resentment. So after not talking to me for two days everything exploded. During that, he also revealed the fact that he fantasizes about sex with men. His absolute favorite sex act is anal. And I can't do it to the porn star level. I can't get all of it in, and he keeps bringing it up about how great it will be when I one day can. It makes me feel like no other part of me matters and that I'll never be good enough. But that's his FAVORITE thing, so how can I tell him that? And I want to be good at it, I want to enjoy anal, but it's hard.
Not only that, but he wants me to want threesomes too. He wants to indulge in his curiosities about men. I'm just jealous. And the idea of trying to enjoy myself with another man while my partner is present makes me paranoid and nothing about it arouses me. I tell myself I might like it if it was super spontaneous, with drugs and alcohol.
So idealistic me wants to get married and assume that none of this will reach a fever pitch. But in order to get married, I need to KNOW that he can live his life without pushing a threesome or forcing pornstar anal.
So I know I gotta talk to him. But here's the thing. This is a make or break conversation. The conversation of will you be with me together, forever, and will you honor monogamy? So how do I prepare for a conversation like this? How can I be of lucid mind to not fall back on my fear of change or my fear of being alone? And WHEN would I even ask this kind of stuff?
Also for slightly more context I am an ENTP and he is INTJ. So we are fairly opposite.
tl;dr: I need to ask my partner about marriage and what he wants in his future, and I'm afraid that I won't be enough for him because of his FOMO and I don't know how to prepare myself for the worst outcome.
Submitted October 04, 2021 at 09:50PM by Zonank https://ift.tt/3ldyjEW
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