My (30F) long time employer and friend has fired me and cut me out of her life for not dumping my boyfriend

**WARNING: Drug use, BDSM, disability issues.

I met J through my cities punk/alternative/rave scene about ten years ago. J was born with a condition affecting her connective tissue and because of this she cannot walk, lift her arms, bend her fingers or turn her head. However she's not paralysed by any means and she's figured out ways to accomplish many daily tasks and lives independently.

She does need need help with some things, especially housekeeping. Shopping is also a hassle cause she can't grab things off the shelf. A couple years after I met J the woman who she had been paying to help went out west or something and J hit me up to offer me a job. I was living on a couch and not the most employable at the time so I was happy to accept.

I spent 2-3 days a week at J's apartment over the next eight years and I feel like J and I really connected. I really consider her to be one of my only friends and in the last year or so we started having social outings and she came over to have dinner with me in my (non accessible) building's courtyard a few times.

A couple months ago I was at her place having a tea and a bowl with her after finishing work one day and the topic moved to sex. This isn't unusual as she's a proud member of the kink/BDSM community and I spent some time working in the adult industry.

Here's where it all goes to hell. So I've been in a live-in relationship for three years now with a man, we'll call him A. Prior to this I dated another man for a little under a year, we'll call him B.

I was whining about the chilling effect the pandemic has had on my sex life with A when I (stupidly) mentioned that I'd had a negative emotional reaction with A when he tried to get rougher than usual.

I wondered if it could be related to my past relationship with B since B and I's sex life was pretty much an exclusive BDSM thing with me as the sub. I was definitely into it to begin with, but it got out of my hands somehow... I guess the key factor here was that we were both addicted to crystal meth at the time. Meth doesn't really promote safe sane consensual type behaviour. Some of this "play" was bordering on legit torture. All night stress positions, denying food water or the bath room, forcing large or sharp objects into me causing permanent scaring, punching and kicking me for resisting or crying as well as taking pics and video which he shared online without my consent.

I didn't get all that graphic with J but I did say that I thought the feelings of fear that were popping up seeming out of now where with A had something to do with my violent relationship with B.

She reacted really badly to this and accused me of lying to myself because I was ashamed. I tried to say that it's not so cut and dry, that I was a willing participant but it went farther then I anticipated and I end up feeling violated physically and mentally.

She flat out denies this. She says I'm not taking responsibility for my own actions. She says no one can "make" you do anything, you have to give up your autonomy and "allow" people to mistreat you.

I dunno. Maybe being borderline homeless and needing drugs was an incentive to "allow" this and I and now that I'm clean I'm having some retrospective shame and pain.

I have no intention of ever seeing B again and J has never even met him so you think J would just let this go for my sake. But no.

J is accusing me of lying to myself and demanding I break up up with A because how can I be in a relationship if I can't even trust my perception of events in the moment?

I'm not doing that obviously. I love A and it's a global pandemic.

She's made a big deal of blocking me off all platforms and removing me as her emergency contact. This scares me cause since I've known she's been hit by a car twice and somehow rolled her chair somehow another time.

I'm worried she won't be able to find anyone to take my place right away. She needs everything in her apartment to placed carefully so that she can reach it with her teeth and a couple times a month she needs me to drop everything a help her if she can't get something important. She's also immunocompromised so she needs someone who isn't in contact with the public. The job pays about 1/3rd of the state minimum wage per hour with no overtime.

She's an "Individualist" who refuses disability or government home care on principle (her family whom she hates pays the bills). Part of me wants me to contact her mom who I've co-ordinated with before when J has been hurt or sick but that's a grave violation of her trust.

I don't know what to do. All I can do is respect her autonomy and beliefs but I'm really scared and worried honestly hurt and angry.

TD; lr My boss/friend is firing me and demanding I dump my BF after I told her about some past sexual trauma. She needs some assistance for day-to-day living and I'm worried she won't be able to find anyone soon enough

Submitted March 01, 2021 at 08:27PM by Vomitcomet501 https://ift.tt/3uMVk4k