Me (29F) with my boyfriend of 2.5 years (31M) didn't help me set up, didn't really communicate, and missed dinner the day of my very first gallery show.

Hi folks. So my boyfriend and I have been together for about 2.5 years. We have a lot of good going for us, but one reoccurring discussion we have is around time. I am not perfect about managing my time, but if I am running late, I will always communicate it with an updated ETA. To me that feels like it's bare minimum and important.

He and I have had a couple of not so fun discussions over the years when he would double book himself, or people please too much (aka feel like he "can't leave" his plans) leaving me waiting at home for several hours when we had plans. I don't care if he wants to stay somewhere longer, just communicate that to me, so that I can make other plans and not sit. I was very clear that this wasn’t fair to me, and it stopped being an issue - except when it comes to travel plans or out of the ordinary events (like the below.)

So, I have a desk job, but I do art on the side. I got my very first art show (yay!) after about 12 years of practicing this craft. I was so excited and proud. My sister flew in, my parents and grandparents came, a bunch of friends drove in, I felt very loved and supported. I told my boyfriend like 12 weeks out that I was taking a half day to pick up my sister from the airport, and to get lunch and pack the cars with food/alcohol/table clothes etc, and get ready for the show. He said “I will take off too!” He volunteered a half day ahead of time with like 8 weeks notice, and maintained throughout the planning that he would be taking off at noon to help me.

Prior to the show, my boyfriend did patiently listen to me talk about the show, and he went with me week of the show to hang my work. While this was very kind of him to do, he was REALLY sullen on the way there because we took my (completely cleaned out) car, and he felt like he was “just a pair of hands” because he didn’t drive? I love when he drives, but his car is stuffed with large items. I thought it would have been rude of me to ask, while we were rushing, to say hey clean out your car and let's move 30 frames from my car to yours AND drive me 50 min each way. He apologized for his mood/responses and said he’d had a tough day at work, and we both listened to one another, and moved on to hanging items and having supper. All was well.

The day before the show rolls around, and he mentions he has a phone screen for a potential new job right smack dab at the exact time we need to leave our house to set up the show. I am a bit disappointed, but I shrug it off because he has been unhappy in his role for some time, and I want to support him finding a new job where he will be happier. He says he will just do the phone screen, then hop in the car to meet my sister and I and help. I asked if he still planned to do the half day and he said yes.

Now, here is where I may have failed in my communication (and him too!) I assumed this meant that he still planned to leave work around noon (4 min commute) and then he’d do lunch with us, help out, then retreat into the office to do his phone call while we scooted out at 3, and he’d follow when he finished around 3:30. So the day comes, and I sent him some good luck texts about the call. I don’t hear anything, but assume he’s probably prepping. My sister and I have a good time eating, packing, getting ready, etc. I don’t hear anything from him still, it’s now 3. So I tell him hey, we will leave some items we couldn’t fit, he responds to say he will get them.

We had an early dinner reservation at 4:45 to make it to the show on time, 4:15 rolls around and no word. Finally as supper is starting he calls and says hey, I’m actually just leaving now, crazy day at work and the phone screen got moved. It's a 50 min drive.

I went downstairs and told my family hey, he’s not coming to dinner. They were surprised but didn’t say much. They love him, but I think they have noticed he’s often just very late, which isn’t great.

He gets there right at 6, I had gotten him to go food he ordered from our supper, and I kind of pushed it down to focus on this show. It was a big deal to me, and tons of family, friends, coworkers showed. It was a wonderful, successful night. We were hosting people this weekend all weekend, so I haven’t brought it up. I texted him and told him I want to talk about it tonight. I struggle with anxiety and felt a bit anxious about bringing this up.

If this were a one off, okay fine. I am just disappointed because it is a pattern of him making a commitment to some sort of plan, and then not telling me until way later that it won’t work out. It makes me feel deprioritized. Of course the phone screen was important! But why didn’t he communicate to me that he’d be available hours and hours later, as it was happening? Like hey, I am not going to be doing the half day because work is crazy. Hey, they moved the phone screen. I would feel a lot better about that.

I can think of five or six times off the top of my head that we talk about leaving at a time to go on a trip, or meet up with either of our families, or friends, and we leave HOURS after we planned. I talked to my therapist about it, and she said that maybe to him it’s about controlling time, and not having control of time at work because he always has meetings, but I am just frustrated. I always say what time feels reasonable? And he will say “I will take a half day” then he just won’t ask his boss for it? and it’s a desk job where he schedules client meetings, so he could block off time weeks in advance, or could tell me in advance hey something popped up. It feels like (much longer story for another thread) maybe he’s putting off disappointing me, because his mom reacts badly to disappointment. But I don’t! And I haven’t for 2.5 years, so I don’t want to be treated like I would. We have talked about this before, and he agrees that it wasn't good, and then does it again.

I feel like if I don’t bring this up, I am being a doormat. I don’t want to hold in resentment, I want to communicate. And normally I am so good at communicating my feelings in a really calm way, but I worry that I am SO calm, that people I have dated (including my current boyfriend) don’t recognize how frustrated I am.

Does anyone have any advice for how to word this, or am I giving him too hard of a time? I am trying to word things in a compassionate way that is understanding and also conveys how disappointed I am.

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Edited to add: Another example of me being a doormat and him just not getting it. He won't turn off his weekday alarm on weekends, so it wakes me up early and I can't go back to sleep. Every time it happens, I'm like hey, that isn't cool, if you aren't planning to get up can you just adjust it or turn it off? I even ask weekend nights hey is your alarm off. He will sometimes say "yes it's off." but it will go off! He didn't even check it. It drives me crazy. I brought it up last night because it happened this weekend both mornings, and I was exhausted from hosting and the show and lifting and prepping, and he seemed annoyed with me for calmly being like hey, seriously, please, this wakes me up and I can't go back to sleep. His response was "Let's talk about it later. But yeah. It doesn't wake me up to where I can't get back to sleep, so I guess I don't think about it that way. I will try and do better about that." Reddit, it takes less than 15 seconds to flip your alarm to Mon - Fri (he works 9-5 mon-fri) and then do your weekend alarm later if you want one, it feels so flippant to not address something that wakes me up 1.5 hours early every weekend morning!

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I know I am coming off really frustrated here. We have a ton of fun and we divide household tasks well, we love spending time together and have a ton in common, and sometimes have some solid communication but I am just speaking to these recent experiences.

TL;DR: Boyfriend said he would help with my first ever big art show. Didn't communicate to me for hours and showed up after prepping, setup, and family dinner. I need to communicate this to him but am struggling with if it is fair of me, or how to, because it was partly due to him having an opportunity pop up.

Submitted March 02, 2020 at 03:27PM by LessWallaby https://ift.tt/2ws7DJl