I (31f) found out my husband of 7 years (34m) is bisexual and has been in a longterm relationship with his best friend, who is also married to a woman.

Hi, so I am somewhat new to Reddit and definitely have not posted something this personal so I'm unsure if this is the best place. I have already spoken to a trusted friend about this situation and will be going to therapy myself soon but I wanted to anonymously get some advice from people who may have dealt with something similar.

Very long story short, my husband M and I have been together for just over 9 years and married for 7. We have two young children and up until last week were living what I saw as a close to perfect life. We are both healthy, financially secure, lots of friends and live in a great city. M is the breadwinner for our family and I only work part-time and take care of our kids. M and I have a very good relationship and sex life. M is best friends with a man I'll call J. They met in college and have been very close ever since. J lives only about 20 minutes from us and my husband sees him often. He was the best man at our wedding and I consider myself friends with him and his wife. I never suspected my husband had anything but a platonic relationship with J. They are both quite masculine men and were both known as "ladies men" I would say, in their younger years.

Last week, my husband left his phone behind by accident in his dresser while he went to the gym and I noticed him getting a flurry of texts, I (stupidly) unlocked his phone and read them. I soon realized they were coming from J and were about meeting up to have sex. I was shocked and awkwardly confronted my husband when he came home. H denied it as a joke at first but after a long conversation and tears, he admitted to me that he is bisexual and has been hooking up on and off with his friend since college. He swears that J is the only man he has ever been with and that he still loves me deeply and wants to stay together. He claims to only have feelings for J and that J is bi too and feels the exact same way. Despite it catching me off guard I don't care about my husband being bisexual ( i told him this) in fact, I consider myself a little bicurious, I was more shocked at the whole situation.

two questions;

1. What experiences do folks have with polyamory within the context of a marriage? I want to stay with my husband but if this relationship with J continues we obviously won't be monogamous anymore ( and I guess never were). He told me he will break it off with J right away if I want him to but I'm not sure I do, after thinking it over for a week.

2. J's wife has no idea about the relationship and I feel that she should know, I consider her a friend and if this is going to be a thing it should be consensual in all directions. I realize this will likely end our friendship but the truth matters. My husband is very against this because J is quite religious ( belongs to an African American church) and says his wife "wouldn't understand". J and his wife have a child too so I go back and forth, its none of my business, but it is.

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That's it, my messy life. I am actually still very confused and while I understand why my husband wasn't honest with me (he had a very conservative upbringing) it still hurts. I've expressed this and he has been very understanding I just wonder if I'm being played. Any advice would be helpful.

TL;DR: Husband came out as bisexual and revealed he has been hooking up with his best male friend for years. I'm confused and conflicted.

Submitted March 02, 2020 at 10:43PM by Pretty_Difference https://ift.tt/38gIzSX