I feel super crazy and in the wrong and I would really appreciate any advice I can get. TLDR at the bottom. Already posted elsewhere but need all the reassurance and advice I can get. My (22F) boyfriend requested a break while we were away on vacation. It was not going to be for forever, but we would be single and were unsure of how long it would go on for. It was mostly mutual because we were both pretty unhappy in general, although I did not agree that we needed to be completely single. He insisted, but told me it was not for malicious reasons, he just wanted to be completely separated. Eventually, I could see where he was coming from and we left each other on super good terms. He is someone I have a very strong bond and connection with and have always trusted. We were practically living together and I knew some space would help us.
Over the course of the last three weeks, we have barely spoken. He has sent about one text a day telling me he loves me or hello, but my anxiety about the situation grew to a tremendous amount. I started thinking we will never be back together again because how could he go every day for two weeks without saying a word. The lack of updates and affirmation and the feeling of not really knowing him anymore made me anxious beyond belief. I said nothing about this anxiety to him as I wanted him to have the time he needed. Two weeks passed before he said he wanted to see me on Superbowl Sunday.
The day before the superbowl, he changed his plans and said he wanted to hang out "today" instead (saturday). I knew it was because he wanted to see his friends on the superbowl instead of follow through with our plans, which made me upset because we had had this entire plan for the entire week and he doesnt really care much about football, but i agreed because i knew he still needed time and seeing his friends was important.
I dropped everything and rushed to his house, excited to spend time with him. I got there late due to the short notice and he had work at 10, so we only had about 3 hours of time to spend together. He works in the restaurant below his apartment, so I used to go spend time down there with him while he bartended. I asked if I could do that to spend some more time with him and he told me not to bother because it was just work. I was upset but let him go and didnt ask about it further.
To pass the time, I went on his laptop to watch netflix, but a notification popped up from his female friend. I have never had a problem with them being friends in the past, but have caught him lying about seeing her and telling her very personal things about my life on separate occasions. So, when i saw that he had gone to her house after the bar (he skipped work to go to the bar and hang out with her) the previous week, that they had sent selfies back and forth, and he had told her he was very drunk and that she had to take care of him at the bar, upset was an understatement. I sat in his room waiting for him to get back from work for the remainder of the night just dwelling on the things I did not know.
I said nothing about his interaction with her despite my feelings as I knew she had a boyfriend who was also his friend and that i was probably just having anxiety about the whole situation again. I let it go. He came home from work and immediately went to bed, no more time spent together. I woke up the next morning upset and he woke up in a bad mood. I was having doubts we could continue the relationship as I was still unhappy. When he told me he did not want to see me for another two weeks, until valentines day, I cried. I told him I couldnt not talk to him for another two weeks again and that it was really taking a toll on me. I felt like an option at this point and was unable to do the entire ordeal over again. He brushed it off and said i wasnt an option and to not cry, that it was ok and he loved me. the conversation did not go any further and i was left feeling unsatisfied.
When I get home, I text him that this is not fair to me and that we shouldnt see each other again because I am not a person he gets to just see and talk to me biweekly when he feels like it. That i love him very much but this is starting to feel like a friends with benefits thing and morally I could not let him do this to me. After a long fight and talk about the situation, he said he had planned on probably seeing me the weekend after and that it was wrong of me to just break up with him, that I could have talked to him and used my words instead of ending it (despite the fact that I had tried in person and he brushed it off). He said he would let it all go and pretend that I didnt do that, and that we could be together still, but next time i did something similar it would more than likely not end the same way (a threat?).
A couple days later, I ask him if he would want to go out together soon. He says he can't because he is sick and it would take too much of a toll on his body.
This past friday, we both go out to separate bars. He again skips work to see the female friend (and probably her boyfriend). At this point, I am beyond upset and ready to end the relationship. Not only had he ditched our plans for the superbowl, but he was now telling me he could not go out to the bar with me and skipping work to go out with his other friends. I still say nothing as I know this is better left unsaid until I see him again and am completely sober.
He eventually texts me about how a "friend" of mine, who we will call M (a male acquaintance i occasionally have said hello to at the bar in the past, but nothing more), was bothering him and his female friend and that it was strange. I could tell he thought I had either sent this guy to spy on them or that the guy was someone I had hooked up with in the past. I said I barely knew him and that it wasnt my problem that he was bothering them.
Against my better judgment but fueled by anxiety, I then messaged M, since I now knew he was with them at the same bar, and asked if my boyfriend and his female friend seemed "close". M then shows my boyfriend that I have messaged him this, and my boyfriend texts me that he knows I messaged M, and that this has ruined our relationship. He said he will never look at me the same for this and that i am not able to give him space. I start telling him that he is not the same person I started dating and that I am upset because he is still not treating me fairly, that we used to be best friends and we havent been that for so long because he isnt the same. While he does not break up with me right away, after some heated words and me bringing up the things he said to his female friend over text, he eventually just says in the middle of the argument that we are officially done. he blocks me on EVERYTHING, texts his mom that we are broken up and to not talk to me anymore, removes me from their family groupchat ( i was very close with his family), sends me the screenshots of what he has said to his mom, deletes all of our instagram pictures together, and says nothing more.
Throughout this, I agreed we should be broken up. Yesterday after I brought him his stuff back, he hugged me, said goodbye, and closed the door. He had texted me earlier in the day to say "notice how I do not care what you do anymore, because I am really done with you". He texted how he had not done anything with anyone else, that all i did was accuse him, and that all he did was respect me during our time apart. I could not contain how upset I had been and texted him that I could not believe he was treating me like I was not an extremely important part of his life for a very long time. He was treating this breakup like I was some random girl of two weeks. We had planned on getting married, moving in together, etc. We just went on a trip to Kenya together. He ignored all texts and eventually said he was going to block my number if I said anything else to him. He said I was guilt tripping him and he would not add fuel to my fire.
I am at a loss because I now feel extremely crazy. My friends say what I did was minimal and that i had reason to be upset and have anxiety. They say I obviously could have just asked my boyfriend about everything and that I should not have messaged M, but that the response my ex exhibited was not in line with my actions. I feel like I need to hold myself accountable, but another part of me says that he is punishing me for just being human. I am heart broken and I really need to know what other people think about this situation as I am beating myself up over being stupid and irrational every second of the day. He has always been EXTREMELY loving and reassuring and this is out of character for him. He has a history of acting like this towards others in the past, but he has always treated me with respect and love. I realize I broke his trust, but am I crazy and deserving of this? If anyone read this far, thank you.
TLDR: My boyfriend broke up with me and is treating me very coldly because he says I did not give him the space he asked for and now I feel crazy.
Submitted February 09, 2020 at 08:40AM by noobycheese https://ift.tt/2H8C2yD
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