My (23F) boyfriend (24M) just committed suicide. I am having trouble dealing with my guilt because we had been having relationship troubles right before he took his life

This is going to be very scattered, and I apologize. I realize that now that he is gone, this problem is no longer necessarily about a "Relationship" but I am not sure how to process my emotions about the relationship.

We have been dating for almost 2 years. We started dating right after the end of a previous long term relationship of mine, I basically rebounded into something new too soon. We had maybe 3 breaks where we were still together but I had issues with how soon I rebounded and felt massive guilt about that. I would tell him I needed to cope with that and we would take a break and then I would feel stupid and ask for him back. I've loved him the whole time though. Everything wrong was for sure my fault. I've been in therapy for a couple of months and things have been going well. But, I just got a new job and we have been on opposite schedules (ie., I work 9-5 and he works 5pm-1am). This stressed things out.

He was depressed about other things in his life, school, work, etc. I tried to get him to go to therapy but he kept putting it off. I kind of let him because I thought I needed it more and who was I to tell him to go when I'm such a mess? Earlier this week we got into a fight because we had been living together for a short time and I picked a stupid fight. Something meaningless. I spent the night at a friend's house. I came back from work the next day and found him.

The main problem I am having is with everyone around me. His parents keep reminding me how much he loved me and how "happy" I made him. I feel true massive guilt. I don't make anyone happy, I wreck everything around me. I have had a previous boyfriend who has attempted. I feel like if someone is with me for long enough, they wanna die.

How can I cope with everyone around me trying to be nice to me about it when I know that I'm a terrible person who played a role in this

TLDR: My boyfriend killed himself in our house. I feel like I am a phony to everyone around me because we had been fighting when it happened and everyone thinks I made him so happy. Don't know how to deal with these thoughts about our relationship

Submitted October 25, 2019 at 03:15PM by cereal_no_milk https://ift.tt/2JpqCYN