I (F18) “abandoned” my twins step-sisters (F9) five years ago when I was kicked out of the house by my abusive father (~M50). I tried to forget about them and go on with my life but I can’t and I feel guilty. Is there something I can do ?

First of all sorry for the wall of text I didn’t want to miss out something important, also if something is not clear (sorry for my English) ask and I’ll explain.

So when I was 13 I was kicked out of the house with my sister (F17 now) and my brother (M15 now) by my abusive father (~M50). My father was always extremely abusive towards us, and mostly to me. He never physically abused any of my other siblings but I was always the one to be beaten up, throw bottles at, etc.. probably because I was the oldest. However he was always extremely emotionally, verbally and financially abusive towards all of us. Wanting to control everything and prohibiting my sister from seeing boys (she was 12 at the time !) accusing her of flirting with everybody around her, giving her full mental breakdown because he was calling her a whore and a slut.

He also did this thing where he made sure we didn’t have money and then when he was angry he would throw out all the food in the house and let us starve for days. We sometimes had to beg the neighbors for food and even as a 13 years old it was incredibly humiliating.

We also had our fair share of emotional abuse with him threatening to kill himself if we didn’t do what he wanted, calling us useless and ugly and unlovable. This was worse on me because when he was angry and he wanted to beat me and I resisted, he always threatened to kill my siblings if I didn’t let him beat him. And I know he could’ve done it, he lied about a lot of things but this I know he was serious.

At this time, I lived with him and my two other siblings however I also have two step-sisters that are twins. We didn’t see them a lot because he was going through an awful divorce with their mother, but before that we lived all five kids together. I loved them all so much ! I cared so much for them I was there. Because of the divorce, the mother didn’t want them to see us so we saw them only sporadically during six months. I maybe should add that their mother was as awful and abusive as my father.

But anyway one week my father was acting really strange, not talking to us and avoiding us and we didn’t really know why. And suddenly out of nowhere during a night maybe at 3am he came into our bedroom and said : “pack your things and go”. He said that over and over and over. It was really scary, he looked like he had to restrain himself from killing us. So we packed a few things as quickly as we could and we went outside. First we thought that we could go back in the morning. But no, he made himself very clear : we had to go.

Fortunately for us I guess my mom took us in (wasn’t much in the picture before because her new husband never wanted kids so he wasn’t very happy with us coming to live with him but it’s better now).

A few months later he send us a message of excuses and telling us to go back “home” that he had changed and that he wanted to see us but I had made my decision : never wanting to talk to him again, never wanting to see him again. So I ignored his message, and the next and the next that was a threat and all the others. He tried everything : bribe, threat, false kindness, guilt but fuck him I’m never going back there again. And so are my siblings.

But there was also one thing that he did : he used our younger sisters to make us feel guilty. He made them leave messages where they were saying that they miss us and that they want to see us. They sounded scared and I can understand why. At least when I was there I could protect them but now there is nobody and I can’t help but feel guilty. So a few years passes and I block everything from him but I recently had my birthday and I found in my postbox a birthday card from my sisters. There was a drawing of us all and a text that said “we love you a lot, we love you a lot.”

Now I KNOW he made them write that. I mean they probably don’t remember who I am but it made me broke down. I’m so sorry, I tried to forget and to run away from it all but doing that was selfish because I know exactly in what hell I left them. I could’ve done something but I didn’t because of my own fear and selfishness and that in a sense makes me worse than him.

But maybe there is still a hope, something I can do ? I thought about calling CPS (or the equivalent in my country) but I have no proof that they are abused and he is really charming and manipulative and I know that’s why nobody called CPS for us. I don’t know if I can really stand up to him but I want to try. What should I do ?

TL;DR : Physically and emotionally abusive father that kicked my and my siblings out when I was 13, but my twins step-sisters still lives with him. I didn’t do anything for five years because I wanted to forget everything but I know in what hell I let them and I now feel very guilty and want to do something to help them.

Submitted October 30, 2019 at 01:23PM by Heyyeyaaeyaaayeyyae https://ift.tt/2pvovMn