This is really hard to write about so I'm sorry if this comes off like I'm rambling.
I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now and her depression has gotten worse and worse, to the point where it's starting to affect my mental well being (I've had my own mental health issues that took years to "get over"). I feel like I'm losing myself more and more everyday. I rarely see my friends, I'm losing interest in my hobbies, and it's starting to affect my job to the point of my boss noticing. I do truly think that she is the one, and the small moments we do have that isnt filled with constant overbearing negativity are amazing. I've tried so hard to help her but i think I'm at the point of enabling her behavior, I pay the rent, I pay for her weed (which is all that helps), I pay for us when we go out (dinner, movies, etc) and anything we need around the house.
She's become so cold, negative, and verbally abusive. I spend my day walking on egg shells when i talk to her because I'm afraid of saying something that will trigger her. Which could be something as simple as asking if she want's to make plans with my friends and I, which will then lead to a comment like "wow I wish I had friends I could hang out with". No matter what I say it's answered with some sort of negative self deprecating comment about herself. We've had some pretty serious fights, mostly all verbally, except one time where she got physical with me, which is something that has kinda left me scarred and I'm terrified its going to happen again. She makes little to no effort to get help, I had to sit her down and look for doctors with her, which ended up in a fight.
I've even pointed out how her depression effects me, focusing on how she treats me, how she verbally abuses me and gives me no way of winning any situation or helping her. Honestly almost everyday there's some sort of fight, or argument where she gets overly mean with me and I tell her I won't take on her anger anymore and then she blows up. She'll call me about how she's angry with someone and it will always turn into me getting screamed at and hung up on. She talks often about how badly she wants to get better for us, about how we're going to spend the rest of our life together, but I'm at the point where I don't know if I even want that. I can't forget some of the things she's said and done to me. I don't know what to do. I've tried leaving her on more than one occasion but it turns into this insane screaming match about how she can't do this on her own and how she NEEDS me to get better, but she hasn't made any serious moves to do so. I feel like If I leave her I'm just abandoning her, and I'm honestly afraid of what she might do, she's made some scary suicidal comments before. I don't think she's a bad person, I love her and I want her to see better, but not at the expense of my mental well being. She's become way too toxic and I can't remember the last time I had a good day over the past 7 - 8 months, I go to work early and leave late everyday, that's how badly I DON'T want to go home.
This ended up being more of a rambly venting session and I'm sorry. I'm just drained, tired, upset, and I've never felt so lost in my entire life.
TL;DR Girlfriend is suffering from severe depression and is affecting me way more than I'm comfortable with and I feel stuck.
EDIT: Just wanted to thank everyone who's been responding to my post I really appreciate. The things you've said and the stories you've shared have been helping tremendously. Thank you <3
Submitted October 29, 2019 at 11:06AM by BigggTuna https://ift.tt/36fcZFt
No comments:
Post a Comment