First time poster and stuff.
So we've been together as a couple for close to 10 years now. We started dating young ish but this is not our first relationship. We've been with other people before. We've been living together for about 5 years, and will own a house in a few months. No kids, we don't want them and probably never will. My BF is probably the least romantic person on the planet and he's a bit lazy, but he makes me laugh, is patient, generous and is usually willing to try and better himself. He's also a really bad communicator though that has been improving over the years. He still tends to shut down or get mad or will just answer that he doesn't know. However, I believe we still work well as a couple, we love each other and he tells me that he can see us grow old together. A bit more details; the last two years have been very stressful overall. A lot of adult stuff like deaths of close family members, sickness, career changes, stressful jobs, needing to move... Nothing TOO major but still a lot more than what we've been used to.
I've been casually talking about us getting married for about 4 years now. He's always been on the fence about it and maybe leaning more towards not getting married, but can't exactly explain why. He just doesn't feel like the hassle is worth it I think. We work well enough as a couple as is, getting married would just be trouble. He likes it as it is. The problem is, he never really told me 'I'm not ever getting married' and he keeps saying stuff that keeps me hoping he will. I, however, always wanted to have a wedding and be married. Always been clear about that. I feel like it's a very romantic commitment and I feel like I need the legal security that comes with it. However, as time went on and people around us started getting married, I did realize it takes a lot of time, money and can be a pretty frustrating process for the couple and the people in the wedding party. Since then, I've been leaning more towards eloping and then having dinner at a nice restaurant with family and a few friends there afterwards so we can celebrate a bit with them as well. Now, I am definitely being annoying about that. I've been hinting at the subject probably every month since last summer. We've had conversations about it quite a few times in the meantime, with him telling me that he didn't really took the time to think about it and still isn't sure about what he wants to do. Up until last week, when we spoke about it again. I can't remember how the subject came up but he seemed in a really good mood and we ended up making actual plans on eloping this summer. I was so excited and he seemed to be as well, he was getting a bit emotional and saying stuff like 'yeah ok that feels good!'. We chose a date that is special to us and is about three months away, set up a budget for a ring (low end, not a hit on the monthly budget) and talked a bit about the restaurant where I'd like to make a reservation. I was really happy. Then a few days later, I tried showing him pictures of the restaurants I had in mind because I wanted to make a reservation as quick as possible to make sure we had room for 40 people on a Saturday night. He shut down completely. He wouldn't look. I went away and didn't say much about it. Then a few days after that, I couldn't take it anymore and brought up the subject. I asked him what was up with that, he pretty much said that he didn't know why he asked, that he doesn't want to get married, that I was annoying with this and that it's too stressful to think about that before we move into the new house and before he goes back to school. So now I'm hurt, I have to tell my two best friends that my long term live in boyfriend changed his mind about marrying me a week after making plans to do it, and my whole relationship is on the line because I feel like he was just cruel to me and doesn't care about my comfort in this relationship.
I realize I probably should have bailed years back when I understood that we did not share the same goals for our relationship, but it didn't seem important at the time since we were on the same page for many other relationships deal breakers and have so many things in common. It was more like a 'I'll deal with it later' problem. But now, it has been keeping me up at night and, honestly, it makes me feel like he doesn't value me like I value him. I just thought that we could compromise between a 'normal' 100-something guests with a venue and a dress and a cake and not getting married at all by eloping and doing something small with our family and friends.
So, Reddit, what do I do now? Do I keep waiting for him to maybe see my way, do I give up on a wedding and just sign notarized documents to at least have a bit of legal security in our partnership or do I just throw the whole man and an almost decade long otherwise nice relationship away?
TLDR : I've been waiting for my long term boyfriend ask me to marry him. I feel like I've managed my expectations over the years to compromise since he's not that interested in getting married at all, but he never told me he would not get married ever and always kept me hoping. We had a conversation and ended up planing to elope this summer. We were both excited. A few days later, he changed his mind and doesn't want to do it. He blames stress among other things. I am hurt and I feel like this was very cruel. What do I do?
Submitted May 06, 2019 at 10:28AM by WhichOrange0 http://bit.ly/2JkTz94
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