Hi guys I have a bit of a difficult situation that I'm sure many of you can relate to, just wanted your advise.
My mum is Filipino and dad is Ghanaian. I'm also an only child. Growing up in my house was difficult and noone really understands my family dynamic.
I'm about to turn 30 and I haven't seen my dad in about 3 years. The last time we saw each other we argued and I told him to get out of my mums house. Christmas just gone, he sent me a Christmas present (he hasn't sent a present since my parent divorced 10 years ago, so I thought that was weird) Along with the present there was also a
Here's my issue. Growing up, I never got on with my dad. To the point where I hated when he came home, I would go upstairs. We barely spoke. We lived in the same house for 20 years and we rarely talked. I know that sounds crazy but its true. He wasn't loving, encouraging or understanding. If he took me out shopping for my birthday for example he would dictate what I bought. When I passed my driving test he didn't say well done, he said "Why do you need to learn to drive?" When I broke up with my first boyfriend, he sat me down and said "I never liked that boy, I told you about these African boys (bare in mind he is African himself). I have never been in trouble at school, ever, yet when the school called saying that one of my courseworks was identical to someone elses in my class, he immediately blamed me before I could even explain. He would act so cold to friends I brought over, but didn't want me going to their house. Thats the kind of dad I have.
When it came to my mum, he always criticised how she dress, her cooking and just anything he could pick at. My mum made my dads life so easy. She cooked and cleaned, supported him and he still found something wrong. I knew my parents didn't love each other it was obvious.
They filed for a divorce after I turned 18 and me and mum moved out when I was 20. In a way my mum believe he waited until after I was 18 so he didn't have to pay child support. I finally felt that I could breathe. I had the freedom I wanted and my home didn't give me anxiety anymore.
My dad visited me and mum very sporadically in the years following, maybe 3 times. He met me once on my own for a coffee (really awkward) and he asked me for money. I didn't have any on my me but walked to my car and gave him change from there. Then came the time when we argued.
He messaged my mum to ask if he could visit and I told her tell him no, he just wants money. My mum said "He's still your dad" and agreed he could come. We arranged a time and date and last minute my dad cancelled and said can we do tomorrow. Really annoyed, we agreed but told him we were out in the afternoon and had plans, and he would have to wait till we finished. We gave him a time and went Ikea. All the time in Ikea he's messaging saying "Are you finished yet? where are you" we eventually cut out trip short and went home. When he arrived he was in a mood, but I let my parents talk in the living room because I had to get ready to see a friend.
He got angry that I wasn't in the living room entertaining him. I calmly told him "You were meant to come yesterday when both me and mum were free, but you cancelled. I made plans today, I'm going to see a friend, I'm not cancelling on her because you didn't stick to you word." He takes the hint and I go back to my room to get ready and I can hear my mum and dad begin to argue. Its getting louder and louder until I can't take it anymore. I go into the living room and say "Dad, I'm on my way out to see a friend and I am not leaving you in here with mum on her own, so you need to leave."He continued to argue back saying "Your mum has brainwashed you, you're against me blah blah blah"
I told him "Dad, I am 26 years old, I can see with my own eyes. Mum has never brainwashed me. I didn't even want you to come here today, its mum who's allowed you here. How dare you talk like this to her in her house when she's done everything to let you be here. Stop blaming her for everything" Things got heated but eventually he left.
Fast forward to last christmas he sent me a present (the first in 10 years that I haven't lived with him) so I'm guessing its a peace offering and it had a letter with it. The letter was saying "I miss you I wish you could come to Ghana, I am a chief here now so you will be treated well" The letter then moved onto the fight we had. "You were very disrespectful to me last time we spoke. I am still your dad. You do not understand why me and your mum drifted apart and I feel she's only told you her side" Its April now and I still haven't replied but I'm turning 30 next month and don't want this hanging over my head.
Thing is I know my dad is lying. I know why they got divorced, my dad was a cheater. When I was younger I found condoms in my dads briefcase but I never told my mum, I didn't understand the full implication of what finding them meant. Years later my mum found receipts for restaurants and hotels so I know what I saw wasn't a one off. The fact my dad is trying to play the victim makes me sick. My mum made his life so easy. She cooked, cleaned and supported him and all he did was complain.The atmosphere in our house was so tense all the time. We lived together 20 years and barely spoke. He always thought the worst of me there are so many incidents I could type out, but whats the point its in the past but I still remember them. I was a straight A student but to my dad I was sleeping around, doing drugs. I have no idea how he could think things of me. He was never abusive but just so cold. I hated being in that house. When my mum and I finally moved out, I felt so relieved. He also lied to my mum. It was only after they got married did he mention that he has 3 other kids, one of which is very close in age to me. These are the reason my parents drifted apart. My dad was a horrible person.
*Sigh* i'm exhausted. Everyone says you should forgive your parents but in this case should I? What do I gain from letting my dad into my life. He left when I was 3 and came back when he realised he couldn't survive without my mum. She took him back and said that was the biggest mistake of her life. I've been really wanting to write a letter back to my dad. I want him to admit the cheating because I honestly feel like he blames my mum for everything when he's the one who betrayed the family. He thinks I don't know so he assumes he can manipulate me into feeling pity. If he admitted to it I feel like it would do him some good too.
If I do write this letter, should I confront him or just say sorry for the fight and leave it there? Do I forgive him and try to start over, even though there's nowhere to start? Do I even bother with a letter at all? I just feel if I'm thinking about it it may do me some good just getting it out.
I know this is long but if anyone can help I'd really appreciate it.
TL;DR I have a bad relationship with my dad. He is a liar and a manipulator and think I don't know about his cheating past. Should I forgive him, confront him or just carry on my life without him
Submitted April 04, 2019 at 09:12AM by DaniBuzzBuzz http://bit.ly/2I0Aw43
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