I (52M) am thinking of divorcing my second wife (48W) because she can't get along with my daughter (13F) and daughter has left to live with my ex full time.

Throwaway account.

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TL:DR I am thinking of divorcing my second wife because she and my 13 yo daughter can’t stand each other and now my daughter has moved in with her mother full time.

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So, backstory: I got married young, I was 22, she was 21. We were basically high school sweethearts. We were together for a long time with no kids, but after probably 10 years of marriage, we (mostly me) decided we wanted children. Getting pregnant turned out to be a lot more difficult than anticipated. We tried for several years without success, and eventually, after some drama (again, mostly me) we decided to spend a lot of money on fertility treatments. That eventually worked and we got pregnant with twins. They were born in 2002. Great kids. Then, a few years later she very unexpectedly got pregnant again spontaneously. We had a daughter in 2005. I love her to death.

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Due to the cost of daycare, we decided to move to back to our hometown. We had family and other resources and the cost of living was lower. She quit her job and took care of the kids full time; I was working full time. Things seemed good. However, a few years later, out of the blue (for me) my then wife says she wants a divorce. I was devastated. That was in 2010 and I still haven’t really gotten over it to be honest. I don’t know if there was any infidelity; I suspect there was, but it didn’t really matter to me. We were married for 22 years.

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We split custody of the kids 50/50. I pay child support. She is with another man now (although not married), who is a good guy. He has divorce drama of his own but that’s neither here nor there. I have a cordial but not exactly friendly relationship with the two of them.

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While I was floundering, trying to figure out what to do next, I meet a woman who I liked, and who liked me, and we started seeing each other. I waited a while to introduce her to my kids, but after a couple of years our relationship seemed pretty solid, and she moved into the house I was renting. After my ex and her BF bought me out of the house, New Wife and I bought a house together. We got married in 2016. This is her first marriage.

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My relationship with her has always been good, but the relationship between New Wife and my kids has always been a bit of a struggle. She had a very different childhood than I did. Her family in general is very strict and prone to harsh punishments and recrimination. By way of example, she got into an argument with her father when she was 18 over how she was spending her money and he kicked her out of the house and they have not spoken since. That was 30 years ago, and she has not had any meaningful interaction with her father in those 30 years. Despite this, she considers him a good father because she and her two brothers are “hard working.” Don’t get me started.

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I, on the other hand grew up largely unsupervised and I sort of just did my own thing. I have always had that kind of relationship with my kids. I never really limited their screen time, or got on them about homework, or things like that. I am there if they need me, which often times they do, but I am content to let them find their own way. Not to say that I am absent - I coached soccer every year from the time my boys were 5. I think I have been a good father to all three kids. I love them all very much, I think partly because I had to make a very conscious decision to have them and put a lot of effort into making that a reality. But I am not much of a disciplinarian.

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In any event, my relaxed parenting style aggravates New Wife quite a bit. Things will go smoothly for a while but every six months or so we will have a big argument over disciplining the kids, with her saying that I am “not being a parent” or something to that effect. Generally it blows over after a few days. Also, FWIW, my wife cannot stand my ex. She hides it from the kids but they can tell. When the kids are not around she generally refers to her as “that bitch.” This was reassuring at first but has increasingly been problematic in terms of co-parenting.

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The twins, being 16 now, have sort of aged out of our disagreements about parenting style. They are driving, come and go as they see fit and are fairly happy and well adjusted. My daughter, on the other hand is 13 and is in the depths of being a surly teenager. She and my current wife do not get along, mostly because my daughter is a self-absorbed annoying teenager and my wife constantly wants to punish her for being obnoxious. Or, more precisely, wants me to punish her for being obnoxious. Its constantly, “you need to punish your daughter for being rude.” And I usually just shrug and say, “She’s 13, what do you expect.”

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We have been to counseling about this precise situation several times, with little effect. Our therapist has given what I consider to be good advice, from “just let him (me) to the parenting” to “sometimes it’s more important to get along than to be right.” The latter is often where I wind up – I’d rather apologize than stand my ground, I’d rather smooth things over then stand on principal. Both daughter and New Wife are all about the principal.

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So I was content to let this just sort of fester for a few more years because I have a feeling things will sort themselves out. However, things between my wife and my daughter have really escalated recently. Not too long ago, my wife got really angry with my daughter (and with me for “allowing it to happen”), threatened to leave (i.e. divorce me), took my daughter’s picture off our bedroom wall, threw it on the floor, stomped on it and kicked it across the room. Then she stormed out of the house. A few days later she was apologetic, and I accepted, and we just ignored it. Like you do.

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Everything came to a head a few days ago when they got into an argument over my daughter’s behavior when my wife picked her up from school. Daughter was on her phone, in her own world and not interacting with New Wife or New Wife’s mom. Drama ensued. Threats of punishment were made. Daughter eventually said that she no longer wanted to live with me, and wanted to move in with my ex full time. This wasn't the first time she has said that, but the first time she really meant it.

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I was heartbroken, but on the other hand, I feel like I can’t be responsible for forcing my wife and daughter to live together, even part time. Frankly, it is a lot easier for me emotionally to have them separated. That being said, I feel like I have been put into a situation where I am being forced to choose between New Wife and my daughter. I can have one or the other, but not both. I don’t expect things will blow over, given New Wife’s proclivity for holding onto a grudge.

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So I am contemplating whether I want to continue this marriage. I have a lot less invested in it than I did my first marriage. And it seems to be hurting my relationship with my children. And honestly, I would be fine on my own.

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Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

Submitted April 05, 2019 at 10:41AM by ta070605 http://bit.ly/2UzxKbM