I [22F] told my friend [25M] that I didn’t trust him, and now he’s upset with me. Should I apologise even though it’s true?

Tl;dr - My friend C witnessed his friend making out with a guy in their friends group. She has a fiancé, it was a drunk stupid mistake, etc. she isn’t telling her fiancé and my friend is helping cover it up. C told me and I said I disagreed, we argued about it a little but moved on. Months later he asked me which people I trust most in the world, I named two friends and he said “what about me?” so I told him (gently) that I love him but I don’t really trust him that much because of it.

He flipped his lid and is really furious that I don’t trust him, but I can’t help it. Should I apologise? Or should I have just lied and say I do trust him?

A while back my friend C found himself in a tricky position. Friends of his - who I should say I honestly do not know, apart from meeting them a couple of times at parties - made out at a party while he was there to witness, and the girl of the duo is engaged to their other mutual friend. C is also very close with this girl, she was his friend before he was friends with her fiancé.

It was a stupid drunken mistake, the type of mistake that will probably never happen again. She decided not to tell her fiancé, and my friend said he wouldn’t either. He asked what i thought and I told him I disagreed with him, though I acknowledge it’s not an easy place to be and it’s not his responsibility to tell, I felt the right thing to do would be to put pressure on her to tell, or at least write the guy an anonymous letter - I don’t know the perfect solution, but I disagree strongly with keeping it a secret.

His reasoning was as follows;

1. The girl is his friend and she’d do anything for him, so he would also do anything for her.

2. It’s for the “greater good”, her fiancé not knowing won’t hurt him, but if he does know it’ll cause a huge rift in their friends group.

It was 2. That I REALLY disagreed - I felt that their decision to take away the fiancé’s chance for an informed choice about who he spends his life with (he might forgive her, you never know!) not to mention let him keep being friends with his good friend who kissed her, was really scummy. I hate that C thinks he has the right to decide what is best for this poor guy. I truly believe the girl isn’t a bad person and made a mistake, but I also think her fiancé has the right to decide all that for himself.

C brokered little to no discussion about any of this, which was fine - I’m removed enough to know it isn’t my business, despite having an opinion on it, haha. He told me to drop it, but every time he talks about them he has a go at me because even though I try not to I apparently get a “tragic” look on my face (I just feel so bad for the fiancé! He seems like a good dude!). He is certain that the right thing to do is not tell, to the point of rolling his eyes and laughing at me when I tried to explain why I disagree. He fobbed me off because “you don’t know fiancé, he’d react badly” (to me this was just more evidence as to why he should know), “youre very sensitive around cheating because your dad cheated on your mum, but this wasn’t cheating it was a mistake” (true, but the fiancé still should be able to choose)

Anyway, things moved on and months later, we were talking about friendships and the people we trust the most. I named two of my friends, and he sort of jokingly said “and me,” and I said “well, no, not really...”

He was surprised because we’ve been pretty close, and asked why. I explained that his decision that the fiancé “didn’t need to know the greater good,” was troubling to me, and if he was comfortable making that decision on behalf of a huge choice like the fiancé choosing to marry someone, I couldn’t be sure if he would make “choices” like that for me as well, and that caused me not to trust him.

I explained it as gently and as honestly as I could - I bare him no ill will, it’s his choice but I suppose one of the consequences is just that I can’t really find it in myself to trust him.

He had a much stronger reaction that I expected. I really didn’t think me trusting him was that big of a deal, I havent trusted him all this time and he didn’t notice, and he was so assured in the right thing to do that I didn’t think he would care. He said I was being dramatic and punishing him for something that wasn’t his fault, that I was stupid and obviously he would never let anything hurt me so I should trust him.

I explained that it’s not a ‘punishment’, I don’t do that to people, I just can’t actively choose to trust, it’s more of a feeling for me, and quickly tried to make sure he knew that I didn’t think it was his fault and that I understood he did what he thinks is right. I just disagree, and I can’t trust someone who thinks it’s okay to make big calls like that on behalf of other people.

I’m sure he feels guilty and conflicted and I apologised if I made him feel like anything was his fault, I just wasn’t able to pretend I trusted him. He’s really angry at me and I’m confused as to why it’s even a big deal. Trust is important sure but I trust him like I would anyone, I just wouldn’t trust him with my life decisions - is that bad? He says I clearly have trust issues I need to work on, but I don’t know? He even said “You NEED to trust me”, which was a bit much. Am I missing something here?

AITA for letting something that’s not my business effect my opinion of him? AITA in general for not just lying and saying “lol of course” and moving on? Are we all assholes?

Submitted February 26, 2019 at 04:30AM by onefootontheground https://ift.tt/2Xp4dAh