My [27F] boyfriend of 3.5 years was going to propose last year, but I accidentally ruined the proposal. It’s been 6 months and still no sign he [29M] is going to propose anytime soon even though we agreed to get married this year so I could be on his health insurance.

TL;DR: I don’t even want a proposal or wedding because I think it is outdated and anxiety-inducing. Boyfriend insists on surprise proposal with ring but keeps putting it off. I have no health insurance and we agreed that I could get on his when we get married. Lots of financial changes have happened since the ruined proposal, and he is making twice as much as he was last year, while I am in school full time and work part time. I am starting to not even want to get married because it is becoming such a stressor to me.

So, boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years, living together for almost two years. We have had our share of communication problems in the past - he doesn’t bring things up when they bother him, and instead waits weeks or even months later until we have a disagreement and then unleashes pent up anger. We have talked about this at length over the course of our relationship, and it has improved slightly. I struggle with anxiety and I tend to over-plan everything and can definitely be overwhelming at times. I tend to want to talk about things TOO much for his taste. I’m trying to get better at not being a micromanager when it comes to his choices and our future - which brings me to this post!

Our relationship is great. I can honestly say he is my best friend, and he has been so supportive of me as I decided to go back to school full time to finish my degree. About a year ago (April 2018) we began seriously discussing marriage. I told him I didn’t want a proposal, ring, or traditional wedding but I would be willing to compromise if any of those things were important to him. He said a ring and proposal are both important to him, and he said that he had already talked to his parents and was planning a surprise proposal with his grandmother’s ring. His grandma passed away about 8-9 years ago and they were close. I was surprised and really touched, so I agreed a surprise proposal would be ok. I told him I’d still rather have a court house wedding, but if he wants a wedding with friends and family we can compromise with a small wedding. I’m really frugal and I don’t want to spend more than a few hundred dollars on a wedding ideally, but would be willing to spend $2-3000 total if it was important to him. I just would rather save up for a down payment on house. We rent a house now.

For about 6 months after that conversation, I became obsessed with the idea of a surprise proposal. It gave me so much anxiety. I kept thinking he was proposing every time we went on a date or planned anything, and I was worried about how I looked (I knew we would take pictures after a proposal so I felt like I always had to wear makeup, nice clothes, have presentable hair). I was worried that I wouldn’t react the way he wanted me to react when he proposed out of nervousness. I cried on my birthday (in private, he still doesn’t know) because he took me to see a play and I thought he was going to propose. I was disappointed at the end of the summer because he didn’t propose when I actually had time off of school and we had more time to do couple stuff. Our three year anniversary was in September, and in the weeks leading up to it we got in an argument about the broken side mirror on his car. It had been broken for over a year at that point and I kept asking when he was going to fix it ( for over a year), and he kept telling me he was going to fix it next week, next month, over the weekend - he just kept pushing it off. I made a stupid comment to the effect of, “I think you’ll fix that mirror when you propose: never.” He angrily told me that he was planning a proposal on our anniversary, but now I ruined it because it wouldn’t be a surprise.

I figured he would propose over the holidays. We didn’t even make plans for New Year’s Eve until a couple nights before, when I asked if he wanted to do anything, and he said he didn’t have anything in mind. That’s when I stopped caring about a proposal: I didn’t expect anything on Valentine’s Day, and he obviously didn’t propose then either. Has he completely checked out? I’m afraid to even bring it up, because we talked about it so much last year. I wanted to give him space, but we agreed to get married this year so I could be on his health insurance. I’ve been without health insurance for a month now, and I have to pay $33 a month for birth control without insurance. I had to go to the doctor a couple weeks ago (right after my coverage ended, purely out of bad luck) and paid over $200. I told him all this and he didn’t say anything about getting on his insurance.

This is why I didn’t want a proposal. I feel like I have to wait for him, and I’m nagging if I bring it up again. I feel helpless. I feel like I don’t even want to get married anymore at this point. I’d rather just get public insurance and not worry about it. I feel like we should talk about this though. I’m just so emotionally exhausted. I don’t even know how to bring this up to him.

Other info that may be relevant: We split the bills almost 50/50 - starting a few weeks ago he took on one additional bill (usually $80/month) since I am now officially working part time hours. We discussed this and agreed on this about 8 months ago when I realized I wouldn’t be able to finish my degree working mon-fri (I am majoring in Biology and almost all lab options are during the day). We split house work 50/50. Sometimes I do more, sometimes he does more. Sex life is okay - no major changes recently and we both have communicated that we are happy with the frequency.

Any insight or advice is appreciated.

Submitted February 26, 2019 at 08:48PM by avant-gourd https://ift.tt/2IDdRfl