One roommate [25F] & I [31F] are becoming increasingly uncomfortable with other roommate's [33F] boyfriend [30sM]

Hi all!

First off - we know we have to talk to her, but would like advice on how to approach this... intricate situation.

Let's call the roommate A and her boyfriend B. A was previously married and working with B. She eventually began an emotional affair with B and discovered she wasn't receiving the attention on that side of her marriage in addition to other issues they had. A goes through with a divorce, lets her ex know that there was another man (B) involved. A&B began dating last spring.. the divorce was not finalized until later that summer, so they've been together ~7 months and have known each other for at least twice as long.

It works out that her, other roommate (let's call her C) and I end up agreeing to live together following this since our situations lined up. A insists she can't be more than ~15 minutes away from her work, though that means C and myself will have longer commutes regardless. We find an awesome home that we all love, move in and realize we didn't really specify any boundaries for anyone's SO, though me and C are both single. So this means B has a key, though he has his own apartment. More on why that's bad later.

A is very pleasant and makes sure she always seems happy. Has issues with her family that have led to excessive abandonment issues and handles conflict poorly. She is NEVER alone. B is always with her or she's on the phone with friends.

B is generally cordial but tries really hard to please and care for whoever he's around, ESPECIALLY A. He's also ex-military and has some anger/PTSD issues. This flares up quite often. They seem to have fights relatively often (A is in the basement suite) and B will come hang out upstairs (where me and C are) alone on his phone when this happens or leaves for a period of time outside somewhere and comes back.

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Outside of their spats, situations of note (edit: may be signs of abuse? skip to TL:DR if you want):

- they left the same department they were both working in, then both got new jobs in a different department together (months apart); B dated someone in their old department, not sure this relationship is going over smoothly

- always compliments me and C when he sees us, which is weird

- B mansplains everything or will butt into a conversation he is not in to do so

- B shows up unannounced consistently. A changes her demeanor as soon as he shows up and becomes much more submissive

- A&B never seem to talk at a regular volume around us

- B *hates* A's ex husband, despite never meeting him (who is relatively passive and nice - A said she wished ex was angry during the divorce bc somehow that would be easier?) and has exploded over on how ex's military service/branch doesn't compare to his experience

- B once told us that when she was using her day off to get her hair done and go with her ex to the DMV afterwards to REMOVE him from her car title, that she was getting done up to impress him (though this was in preparation for a photoshoot for pictures A was having done for B)

- B has blown up in front of all 3 roommates and another female guest during an argument about men's true intentions (yeah we live through that every day, man). Following this incident he made a bunch of food and set it in front of us, though we had clearly made dinner and ate it before this (leftovers were sitting out in the same kitchen he was using), THEN got pissed we wouldn't touch it

- B yelled at A in the airport when we were all traveling together (neither me or C saw, a friend of ours did) when he got pulled out of line by TSA to take out something that he was carrying for A

- B will be at our house when NO one is home. This is not OK bc he is not paying rent (nor do we want/need him to) or has any business staying when he has his own apartment

- A just went with B out of state to meet his family

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So in short, yes, he is just terrible and we need to set boundaries to be comfortable in our own home again when he's there. We are pretty sure she's just staying with us since it would be 'bad form' to move in together this quickly, though they're together 24/7. Our lease doesn't end until much later this year, but we don't want to kick her out. As far the key goes, there is a lockbox he could use instead of having his own.

How should we approach A so we don't shut her down as soon as we bring this up? We love her and want to continue living with her, we're just not sure how to bring all of this to light.

TL;DR: One roommate has crappy boyfriend who makes us very uncomfortable and need advice on how to approach her to set boundaries!

Submitted January 29, 2019 at 01:58PM by aur0rabells http://bit.ly/2FVBiy9