My (24F) husband (26M) went to an open mic night to do stand up, and I am somewhat irrationally mad at him about it.

We have been together about 5 1/2 years, married for 3. We have two kids. We fight semi frequently and our communication is poor. Over the years he has stopped taking care of himself. He went from underweight to obese. He has developed cystic acne. He quit brushing his teeth and has visible cavities. Etc. He also does not help out around the house and leaves everything dirtier than it was, like if he shaves he will leave hair all over the floor, and he leaves his dirty clothes all over the house, to name a few bad habits.

He's being medically treated for depression, and has started dieting. He hasn't found a good therapist yet but he's working on that too. Obviously he needs to have hobbies and spend time with his friends for his mental health, but he needs to participate in his family too.

I've been supportive of him trying to get better, although I have a lot of toxic feelings about how lazy he's been these past few years. Our romantic relationship is pretty much nonexistent and anytime I try to get it back I find myself having to battle through resentment and disgust. I DO still love him, but he has put me through hell. I also struggle to find him attractive, and it isnt the weight at all. It's the lack of grooming and personal hygiene.

Tonight he went to an open mic and did stand up. He has never once mentioned wanting to do stand up. He has never once told jokes or tried to be funny. I have no idea when he even wrote his set, I guess at work. He has issues with his speech, and is uncomfortable speaking to people, and he even suspects he may be autistic. So this was totally out of the blue for me. He told me it was to help improve his public speaking, but I dont totally buy that.

He planned it with a friend from work and I only found out about it because that friend called him about it while I was around. He told me he was going to get a babysitter and turn it into date night but I got pretty upset about that too, because 1. his coworker was coming and 2. he never takes me out on dates, and this is his idea of a good date, something he wanted for himself that didnt include me at all? He didnt ask me about it or invite me out and it felt like a secret he hid from me, not a freaking date. I was also mad that if it had been a date, it would be the first date he's planned since our actual first date almost 6 years ago, which was pizza. I have complained about how he wont take me on a date, and that any dates we've had have been 100% planned by me. But then when he finally has the initiative to take me on a date and get a babysitter, it's something selfish he wants for himself.

So he was gone for about an hour, which was nice because it didn't really upset our kids schedules (our oldest cries if daddy isnt home at bedtime), and he helped out with laundry and put the groceries up when I got back from grocery shopping, I think to make it up to me. He said it went better than he expected and he wishes I had been there.

But I'm still upset. It feels somewhat irrational, but I cant seem to help it. I'm not even completely sure why I'm so upset. I BEG this man to talk to me, to share himself with me, and he just apologizes and says he cant. That he doesn't know what's wrong but he can't connect with other people anymore. He never talks to me about anything other than his day and the kids. He has hidden big secrets from me before, including a terrible porn addiction. And now he's keeping more stuff secret, like apparently he wants to do stand up? And scheduled an open mic without telling me?

I have no idea how to handle this. Am I totally out of line for not supporting him? Should I encourage him to do another? Or should I just be upset about how he handled it?

TL;DR: hubby went to an open mic to do stand up. He sort of kept it a secret from me and then tried to turn it into a date (with his coworker) even though he hasn't taken me on a date in years and knows it's a sore spot.

Submitted January 31, 2019 at 07:51AM by erickaclark http://bit.ly/2GcXgvZ