This is going to be a long one.
We have been married for a few months, and even have a baby on the way, due in April. I will start off by saying that I do love him, and have excitement for our future.. but that excitement is slowly going away and I am actually dreading this constant feeling of being suffocated.
He still does beautiful things for me, and acts kindly.. but I suppose sometimes the bad is just heavier.
He was never like this, the first few months were great. He didn’t have a worry about me, I still don’t have a worry about him. He’s always gone for work but I don’t think he’s ever cheating with another person.
When we first moved into our house (in September), he had to leave to go to work. The last thing he said was, “Now don’t let any strangers come into my house while I’m gone”, it wasn’t in a joking tone, either. He has been cheated on multiple times in the past, so I could understand that being said.. but I hadn’t done anything to provoke it being said. I cried that night and cried all the way to my first ultrasound the day after, alone.
When he goes to work, I like to go to my parents house that is about 80 miles away. He thought that the house he got wasn’t good enough, and I told him that it is. I just don’t like being in it when he’s gone because then he’ll just think I had someone over, or that I went out with someone. So I go to my parents, almost to have them as an alibi. He understands that now.
Since then, it’s only gotten worse. He yelled at me a different night, for making and sending a meme to one of his best friends, who is a person that I actually knew before him. He yelled and told me “don’t you realize he’s taken two of my girlfriends in the past?”.. I tried telling him that those girls weren’t good ones, and I don’t even have eyes for anyone like that. I don’t have any bad intentions. I ended up running to the closet and crying, and I told him to go away.
I once looked something up on my safari, and porn was there. I got a little embarrassed and kept laughing. He wanted to see what it was, so I showed him. He got mad. I used to have a vibrator that I’d use to help with migraines.. I ended up throwing that away. I haven’t touched myself or watched porn in a long time. I even wrote him a note telling him I was sorry, and it wouldn’t happen anymore.
I tried touching myself last night, next to him.. and the questions I got immediately after him noticing were, “What are you doing?” “What are you thinking about?” “Are you aroused or just touching yourself?” “Why are you touching yourself?” .. and they weren’t asked in a way that would be seductive.. they were asked in way to where I felt ashamed. So I stopped, rolled into my side, and fell asleep.
He is constantly asking me who I am messaging, and what I’m doing on my phone. He has also gone through it on three different occasions, usually when I am asleep or when I’m outside with the dogs. I can’t take my phone into the bathroom to browse Reddit, even when I’m taking a bath. If he’s in the bedroom and I’m in the living room, he asks “what were you doing in the other room?” .. —
There have been a few other comments that haven’t gone unnoticed and unfelt. I’ve just gotten quieter with talking. I know I shouldn’t be quiet, especially about my feelings and communicating- but I feel like I’m just being punished whenever I do say anything.
I just don’t know what to do or how to move forward. I don’t like talking with him anymore about the way I feel, just because I think I will get yelled at, misunderstood, and that things will just end up worse, somehow. —
TL;DR: My husbands toxic traits are taking a toll on me. I do not know how to confront him, out of fear and reactions I have gotten from him in the past. I feel like anything I do or say will result in something negative, and it is making me distant from him. He doesn’t deserve a wife who is closed off, but I don’t deserve to be accused for things I haven’t done.
Submitted January 29, 2019 at 12:01PM by imasadmomma http://bit.ly/2FXn0gu
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