Feeling like I’m losing it over this argument. We are sleeping apart tonight and this seems so extreme but I’m not sure how to move forward.
I (31F) am thinking of ending a relationship of 9 years due to this argument tonight. He (30M) said he’d make dinner. It was a kind and welcome gesture as we’ve been having the continual issue of equality in chores at home. You see this all the time in hetero relationships IRL and on Reddit - I work (he does not make money currently) and do all chores and home management. He helps when I beg him and does generally clean up after himself.
Anyway, he offered to make dinner. I said great - I’ll clean. It’s a long day for me and I had to work (from home) late this evening to finish a project. We had some veggies and discussed making pasta and veg. Cool.
Around 5:30 I ask if he’s starting. I’m hungry. He said he had some other things to do and would start dinner after a shower. At 6:15 I came out of my office and he’s scrolling Reddit. Ok, I ask him again to start dinner please. He knows I try not to eat after 8:00 p.m. He then told me that he is going to make pasta instead of using the box we have in the pantry. I know he likes to cook and he wanted to make something ‘fancy’ - it was my birthday, yesterday.
For the next 1 hour 20 minutes, I hear cussing, banging, more cussing, and continual questions “where’s the garlic”, “is this tomato paste still good?”, “FK!!”, “can you help prep the mushrooms”. This is all while I’m at my computer literally 5 feet away (stupid small apartment) and trying very hard to not work till midnight to wrap up. I asked him at least 4-5 times to please stop with the cussing. He knows I was raised in an abusive household and hate the anger, and, beyond that, I simply hate the vibe. I mean, we both cuss, but I’m talking about the continual angry “FK” that is banging through my head while I’m trying to focus on work.
By 7:40, I could barely take it anymore. I walk out - the kitchen was insane - flour everywhere. I asked him if he had a moment to talk. He was just getting the pasta in the water to boil and said he could chat in a minute. I waited for a bit (totally fine) then when he was ready, I calmly and without anger just said “Listen - I appreciate you making dinner. I just have to say, as we’ve been talking about making our input more equitable, that if you are offering to help by making a meal, but then cuss, scream, ask for my help, and just generally carry yourself in a grumpy way, it’s not so helpful. You’ve made me really anxious with all the anger at the pasta press, and I’ve come out 3 times to help you find something or answer your questions (BTW he is a very capable chef. He doesn’t need to learn this from me).” All I was basically trying to get across was an eye-roll - like, you may think this is super helpful but it isn’t! I wasn’t able to focus on my work at all while he was in there, and I didn’t get any time to myself with his screaming.
He explicitly told me he didn’t care, that he wasn’t cussing AT me so I couldn’t care, and that, quote “my dad is the same way, I can’t change this”. He told me to get over the cussing, it would never change. He didn’t care that I was legitimately hurt by hearing all the anger. He didn’t really engage at all with the idea of how his actions made this ‘favor’ not really a help to me at all.
I admittedly flipped. I’m so angry, still, because I don’t really see his point of view at all. I think he thinks I’m somehow policing his behavior. I, though, don’t understand how he can value grumpily slamming doors and screaming F**K over my mental health and general kindness. I don’t even like to pull this card but he’s very aware of my upbringing. Like…I literally can’t remember one interaction with my parents where there wasn’t a constant barrage of cussing, slamming, throwing, physical violence. I am terrified of having children and them seeing this sort of behavior while their parents are cutting veggies.
I feel really alone and don’t know how to get past this seemingly stupid argument. I can’t believe that I’m thinking of being done due to a misplaced ‘F*CK’.
TL;DR: Fight with long term partner about negative energy, cussing, thumping around while ‘helping make dinner’. Feeling really tired of this - unsure if I’m blowing a small thing out of proportion or if this is a bad sign.
Submitted December 07, 2021 at 07:37PM by r2-george2 https://ift.tt/3oxRrPk
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