My (16F) whole life my parents have had explosive fights. When I was little I remember that they would happen a lot (don't know how credible that account is) and as I got older they lessened to an extent-- but they still happen, and they're usually pretty bad. A lot of my earliest memories are tinged with panic due to their fights or anxiety over whether or not a fight would happen. On my mom's end, the only way she knows how to respond to yelling is to yell back. Her parents are also yellers and ineffective communicators, so she never had a healthy relationship modeled for her.
My dad is unpredictable. He'll be happy and fun and overall great to be around, and all of the sudden he'll flip and get super angry in ways that are uncalled for, sometimes over extremely trivial things. Everyone in our household has been the victim of this multiple times. And he rarely apologizes for it or will admit that he did anything wrong. And if he does admit it, it's because you made him. He once tried to justify pushing my mother in this way, saying she was "pushing his buttons" (This is the only time he has put his hands on her that I know of). One time we were in the car having a calm conversation about and i quote “the ethics of spitting gum out of the car window”, and when I pointed out that this was something he shouldn't do, he screamed at me, after being perfectly calm seconds before, "Okay so I won't do it shut the fuck up". Never apologized, never brought it up again. I knew confronting him would cause a fight, and I didn’t want to freaking deal with it. He makes you feel stupid for being mad at him. If you bring up anything to do with his behavior you thought was wrong, you’re just being “dramatic” or “a baby” or even worse “a woman”, and he’ll get super defensive and probably will yell at you again.
What brings me here today is the most recent fight. My dad told my mom she shouldn’t be snacking (basically a comment about her weight), and she threw pretzels at him. The tone was playful, but she was obviously upset. A bit later I got slightly annoyed with my mom about something irrelevant and she said “so both of you are picking fights tonight.” My dad retorted, saying he had done nothing wrong, to which I said “You absolutely did, and you should apologize.” He was adamant that he had because he hugged her, and my mom and I disagreed, saying that wasn’t an apology. Then he got really pissed and screamed at me “You weren’t here, so shut the fuck up” (I wasn’t in the room at the time the comment took place). I, sadly used to this at this point, just walked away, not wanting to make the situation any worse. Cue a screaming match.
It’s hard for me to write this or to admit to anyone that this actually happened. But I’ve been talking to my girlfriend about it, and she has assured me that this is absolutely not normal. I’ve just been gaslighted my entire life into thinking this is normal behavior and it makes me feel physically ill that I am so emotionally desensitized. I had a long talk with my mom about this tonight, and she finally admitted that his behavior is abusive, after years of telling me that “other couples fight”. Other couples fight, but not like this. This isn’t healthy. She broke when I said that I wished she’d leave him, that your kids aren’t the reason to stay in a relationship. I told her she’s been right every time she’s screamed “you treat me like shit” to my dad. She says she always feels like she's stepping on eggshells around him, that he makes her feel stupid. But he somehow fixes it, every time. And the thing is, he's like two different people sometimes. The good times are great. And I love him. But this is unacceptable. And all those two statements do are fight inside of me.
There’s so much that isn't written here, and I don’t feel like editing this or adding more “evidence”. I just don’t know what to do or feel or say. This is just my stream of consciousness after yet another explosion. Just tell me he’s an asshole. Tell me it’s not normal.
TL;DR, my dad is an asshole and I don't know how to get myself to believe it even though I am fully aware.
Submitted December 06, 2021 at 04:51PM by rhinoceroblue https://ift.tt/3GnyZPy
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