Two and a half months ago we were supposed to marry, but two days before our wedding my live-in partner of three years left me. Her mental illness caused the split. She views the world through a trauma-distorted lens resulting from her earlier life of tragic, shocking neglect and abuse. The issue she left me over was her long-held belief that the younger of my two sons (15 years old) hated her and wanted her out of my life. It was never the case; my son didn't have any real bond with her, but he certainly didn't hate her and never did or said anything cruel to her. But her inner voices told her otherwise. They told her that I would always side with my son, so she left in a tornado of self-sabotage, cursing me on her way out the door.
She checked into a hospital for inpatient mental treatment the next day. She didn't have a phone there at first, but three days after checking in she texted me. We agreed to try again once she got out of the hospital, but it would be different. She was no longer living with me (she's currently staying with her mother), I wouldn't have her over on the weeks when my younger son was at my place (he's here every other week), and we wouldn't talk about living together or marriage again until she got past her issues with my child. After only two weeks she broke up with me again because she didn't think she would ever get over her issues with my kid- or she at least thought I would never be satisfied enough with her progress to fully take her back. She had only been in counseling a couple of weeks while I knew it would be months- perhaps years- for her to fully work through this stuff. But it was too much for her and so she left me again.
After each of those break-ups I cried for a week. Cried and hurt like I never had before. I had near out-of-body experiences a couple of times; actual moments of sorrow for that poor soul howling on my bed before realizing that he was me! But the tears eventually dried, and I made an earnest effort to move forward and embrace my newly-single life. I thought I might never hear from her again, but three weeks ago (six weeks after our last break-up) she texted me to say she had made a mistake. She said she wanted me back and was willing to wait for me. (Meaning, she'd wait until my son was old enough to be out on his own.) She said we would just be "friends" until then.
We meet in secret. I'm too embarrassed to let my parents, friends, or siblings know that the woman who pulverized my heart twice is back in my life again, and I don't want to confuse my kids. I meet her at shops, bars, and hotels. The sex is fantastic; we had a number of issues as a couple, but physical intimacy was never among them. She's the most sexually compatible partner I've ever had, and our lovemaking is both mutually satisfying and transcendent. This is a problem though. The sex is so good I fear it prevents me- prevents us- from making healthy choices.
The pain of the breakup(s) transformed me. I see her with new eyes. What I once saw as earnest expressions of suffering I now see as manipulation. What I used to consider her quirky and naive way of texting I now see as blatant mindgames. A recent example: When I checked my phone before getting out of bed Saturday morning I found two texts that she had sent in the middle of the night. The first was a "cupid heart" emoji, the heart with an arrow through it. The second was, "oops."
So, I responded, "Good morning. But why the oops?" And she answered, "Oh I was texting with someone else overnight and I accidentally sent it to you." Of course I responded, "Who else are you sending cupid hearts to?" And she answered it was her daughter (who is an adult and lives elsewhere).
She could have told me it was her daughter in her first response, but I'm convinced she wanted to see if she could still make me jealous. She could have explained that before I woke up; anything other than "oops" would have been better. Almost any time we interact via text some "misunderstanding" like this occurs. She always has a defense, but I never fully buy it. Not anymore.
I do feel for her. Her mother's apartment is a small, 1-bedroom place so she's sleeping on the couch, and she doesn't even have her own key fob to enter the building. She's going to get her own place at some point, but I don't think she's capable of living on her own. When she lived with me, it was I who ensured she kept appointments, got and took her prescriptions, got her breakfast and shower in time for work, and even had appropriate attire for her job. I often felt as much a parent as a partner. But at the time it seemed worth it.
When we're together now the only time that feels like the old days is when we're making love. The time before is awkward and the time after is melancholy. While my BlueTooth speaker pumps calming music into our room I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling in the half-dark while she silently cries into my shoulder. She doesn't explain why. She never does; not easily.
When we talk now, the only topic is the relationship. How she will wait for me despite how one-sided everything is. How she lost her home while I lost "nothing." How I have my kids, my dog, and my co-parenting ex, while she has "no one." And that infectious sadness passes to me like a virus. I feel it returning, growing. I don't ever want my heart to hurt again like it did before.
I love her but I can no longer live with her. I worry about her, but her problems are too big for either of us to overcome. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy and safe and comfortable, but she is so sad. She is just so goddam sad.
TL;DR: The woman I love left me before we married, and the pain of the breakup changed my perspective on the relationship. She wants things to go back like before, but I'm both afraid of having my heart broken again, and also concerned that her mental illness will prevent her from overcoming the fundamental problem: That she thinks my son wants her out of my life. We're in a secret FWB thing now, but whenever we text it feels like she's manipulating and gaslighting me. I should probably end things for good, but the mutually satisfying sex we have when we meet is probably making this a harder decision than it should be.
Submitted December 06, 2021 at 09:29AM by PrettyCoolBear https://ift.tt/3lEH5eY
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