Before anyone tells me to post this to DeadBedrooms, I just scrolled through there and it seems like a pretty misogynistic sub, so no thank you. I want advice, not to be hit on by redditors who want me to cheat on my BF.
I've been with my BF for 5 years. Our relationship is really good in most aspects--we can spend hours just talking to each other, we travel together and do all kinds of fun experiences together, we support and lift each other up. He's my best friend. The problem is, our sex life is just not fulfilling, for either of us I think.
When we first got together, we had the normal honeymoon period, but in our third year together, I had a series of personal setbacks that led to a pretty long depressive episode. During that time, I wanted his support more than ever, but my libido just went totally downhill. Part of what got me out of that slump was taking a new job opportunity that meant that BF and I were only living together about half of our time, and the rest was long distance. Since the start of the pandemic though, we've been able to live together full-time. My libido recovered, but our sex life never really has.
Here's the pattern that I've noticed. After the initial honeymoon period which was more exciting and experimental, we settled into this pattern where he basically expected me to take care of his sexual needs first thing in the morning every day. I'm not really a morning person so I'm usually not in the mood then. It ended up being a very perfunctory kind of routine, which led to him reciprocating for me maybe 1/3rd the time and occasionally led to sex, but often it was just for him. When I was depressed, I started to feel really bad about this because I felt like he was just using me as part of his morning routine. I didn't feel wanted, I felt like a machine. It didn't help that he almost always used the exact same phrase to ask for sexual favors to the point that the phrase just started bothering me.
If I said anything that suggested I didn't want to do it or even didn't seem enthusiastic, he would back off immediately and not pressure me at all. And during my long low libido spell, he was always there for me and would cuddle me without ever trying to pressure me. So the problem isn't that he's too pushy for sex, it's more that what he wants out of our sex life doesn't turn me on.
Since I've gotten my libido back, I've wanted to have more sex and try different things. But every time I initiate, he treats it like a joke. It actually really hurts my feelings. I'll try to be seductive or indicate in some way that I'm in the mood and he'll fake that he's scared of me and say things like "oh don't be a predator!" He also implies that when I "try to act sexy" I just come off as gross. Obviously this is a huge blow to my self esteem so I've pretty much stopped trying.
I've talked about it with him before, both not wanting to perform perfunctory sexual favors for him as a morning routine, and being hurt when he spurns my advances, and he's changed his behavior somewhat. He stopped using that phrase to ask for sex but now basically just doesn't ask, except maybe once every few weeks and usually I'm just not in the mood. I still occasionally try to initiate things but then he usually turns me down (in a nicer way than before) or doesn't seem to notice. We're both not great about communicating around this issue, I think. It's hard for me to admit what I want when I feel judged by him, and he's always scared that I'll stop being into him completely.
I also have to admit that on a physical level, I've started finding him less attractive as he's basically stopped exercising during the pandemic and has let himself go. I know if I told him that it would absolutely crush his self esteem, so if he ever asks if I'm still attracted to him (which he does sometimes), I say yes, that's not the issue. He already describes himself as "ugly" a lot and I don't see how telling him I don't find him attractive would help.
Other than our sex life, my relationship with my BF really is wonderful. I don't want to end things over this but I don't think either of us is really fulfilled with our current sex life. I would appreciate advice on how to talk to him in a way that actually helps us overcome this.
TL;DR: my BF and I fell into an unsatisfying sexual routine, I lost interest in sex for a time and now that my libido is back we just don't seem into each other.
Submitted December 02, 2021 at 03:04AM by flypaperscare https://ift.tt/3Dj4Jnh
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