My (29M) mom (60s) suggested to my wife (29F) that she let me have sex with other people because of her MS

TLDR My mom made a suggestion to my wife about our marriage that seems to have made her really insecure

My wife (29) was diagnosed with MS at 24. We've been together for 10 years but married for 5. The course of the condition seems to have become more active. Last year, she needed a walker. She made the decision to leave her job. She receives disability payments and a portion of her income through LTD insurance. This year she has transitioned to a wheelchair. I installed rails and grab-bars around the bathrooms and a whole bunch of other accessibility modifications. We went back and forth about hiring a PCA for a long time and the very first time she fell trying to go to the bathroom, the discussion was closed. All she wants is to get just barely well enough to go back to work.

I am looking into options for teletherapy because her life has dramatically changed. She went from a career that she loved to the most basic of tasks winding her. This makes me worried about her becoming depressed, although she seems to really be trying to stay in a good mood even when I know that she's down. She tries to contribute in other ways and help with our son even when she's exhausted. Her libido is up and down and she tries really hard with that too, but sometimes it's just not there. When it first started, she would become incredibly frustrated with herself and tell me that I should be with someone else, to which my response was always "what a stupid thing to say." She's since stopped.

My mom has said some things that are off putting, at best, which I probably should have said something about sooner. The worst one feels like "She's lucky she's with you, otherwise right now she wouldn't even have decent health insurance" At the time, it just felt like a white noise comment. Current circumstances are sketchy but she enrolled in mine last year.

When my mom brought our son home on Sunday after he had spent the weekend at my parents' house, she asked to speak to me privately and we went outside. She asked how long I intended to live like this and if I've given any thought to future children and whether or not my son is going to have a sibling, and how long I could financially support her care. I asked her if I looked worried and told her that we are fine. I didn't address the sibling comment because that's just none of her business.

She said that my wife was selfish for keeping me here and for not being open to me basically having an extramarital affair. No one put a gun to my head. I'm here of my own accord because I love her. She said that a lot of couples agree that a partner can have sex with others and I understand that but this the only woman I've ever had sex with and if I never have sex again then that's just what it's going to be. I've read about the arrangements that other couples where a partner has MS have but I just can't get down like that. Besides let's say that I did and I was the type to leave when shit got hard. How am I supposed to explain that to my son as his father?

After our son went to bed last night, my wife started asking me a bunch of random questions. Do I still love her? Do I still want to be with her? Am I happy? Would I ever consider a surrogate partner strictly for sex (reworded, I can't remember exactly what she said)? I answered all the questions honestly and asked where all that came from. She said that she was just wondering and I told her that I didn't believe her and it sounded like she had a real concern. She said oh just something your mom said and I didn't think I needed to spell it out to my mom that she wasn't supposed to say anything like what she said to me on Sunday to my wife. I asked her what she said and she said that it wasn't a big deal. I started to get angry and asked again. She said that my mom just told her that she should consider the "alternatives" that she (my mom) and I had spoken about. Based on what my wife said, she kind of just brushed it off to end the conversation quickly.

I texted my mom "Alternatives? Seriously? You're unbelievable" and asked her who she thought she was. She said that it was just something for us to consider and I really want to ask my mom to refrain from speaking to her about our marriage. That feels like it may be harsh considering that my mom probably does feel like she was just doing the right thing. I am just so angry that her suggestion fueled an already existing insecurity in my wife, which seemed to be getting better.

How do I deal with my mom?

Submitted October 01, 2021 at 07:50PM by throwawayhisairness https://ift.tt/3B52Vhl