We have been together for almost a year now. I do not feel happy. I'm starting to see this relationship as a nuisance.
I come from a broken home. I have commitment and attachment issues, and I also always have craved some type of validation from somebody older, becuase my parents never gave me any. All of my past relationships have been unsuccessful, as I was the one to end them - feeling scared of commitment.
Now, it's been a year. The relationship was never official, we just kind of became a couple. I forced myself to like him, if not for his looks, for his personality, but it was difficult. I told myself that no matter what, I'll be staying in this relationship, but now I regret it.
I feel as if my youth is being taken away from me. I now see him as disgusting, his humour being awful. There's things that he does - such as not washing his hands, not keeping a good personal hygiene, not taking care of himself - that make me disgusted to even be around him. This includes, him farting or burping in the middle of serious conversation, 'romantic' moments or even intimate moments. He gets easily annoyed - for instance - we can't see each other for a day - and he gets offended. He's always so childish, but when it's an issue that he doesn't like, he throws a temper tantrum. Whenever a minor inconvinience happens or I don't agree with him, he gets angry at me and acts like an absolute child.
The only good things about the relationship are - whenever we argue, he listens, responds, never yells. He has pressured me into things, such as not using condoms. He has never forced me, but he has pressured me into too many thigns to count. Going out with people I don't want to, sex, going places I don't want to, making things I don't want to, crossing my boundaries so he doesn't get upset with me and so much more. Then, he'd guiltrip me about it. I'm sick of doing so much while all he does is get annoyed and expect that I'll always be there for him and his crap.
My main worry is that I'm someone without many friends. I only hangout with his friends, meaning that if we were to break up, I would - 1st, worry too much about people talking behind my back; and 2nd have pretty much absolutely no one to talk to. That happened in my last relationship, which was completely forced. I let an older guy take advantage of me. The relationship was very toxic, constantly being yelled at, guilt-tripping, him even getting physical, etc. I finally broke it off, though I was in fear of the gossip, and sadly, my worst fear did happen. Even now, two years later, I still have people gossiping about me from my last relationship.
I am very afraid that the same might happen. I don't want to be in this anymore, as I see him more as a friend than a love interest. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this person. I don't see a future with him in which I'll be happy in, but I want to be completely sure before ending this for the better. I don't want to do something I'll regret, but at the same time, I'm not almost always fantasizing about being single.
This guy is so bipolar, getting angry and annoyed at small things, then being anxious about having hurt me. I'm so confused, I don't want to be played with. I don't think I'm the one for relationships. I never liked them, but I forced myself into this out of wanting to fix my commitment issues. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, but breaking up would complicate so many things. I guess it's better to do it now, than later, and live out my teenage years normally. I'm sick of having to be the adult. I don't even feel like this relationship is worthy. Yet something is telling me not to do it. I'm just so confused, yet so sick of everything.
TL;DR I want to break up with my boyfriend, but something is telling me not to do it, yet I'm unhappy with the relationship.
Submitted August 05, 2021 at 06:39AM by ansley_daniels https://ift.tt/3rTgDA4
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