How to cope better with the fact that my dad (58) gradually ruined my family since I (29) was a girl and forgive him

TLDR: Dad left a really deep emotional scar on me throughout my childhood and adolescence. He cheated on my mom with a 19-year-old, squandered 30 grand worth of family savings on stock investment, and kept leaving home to avoid dealing with family. My friends, my SO, and even my mom are all telling me that I should let go and forgive him, but I just can't. Any suggestions?

I’m sure I’m not the only one with such experience, but I could be one of the very few who still holds on to the lingering feelings till they’re almost 30.

When I was very young, my parents were always fighting, at least 3 days a week. All our neighbors could hear them, because they were always super loud when they shouted at each other over the tiniest things. At that time, my dad’s business was going quite well, and he earned quite a bit. My dad didn’t spend much time at home or with me. But once in a while he did (like 10 times a year), and now he likes to brag to strangers how he was the one who took me for fun since I was young.

Then when I was in the 4th grade, my mom found out he was cheating on her when she was away doing her MA for a year or two, which caused a big war between them. My dad (around 35 then) was willing to spend a lot of money on his teenage lover (adult though) and even bought plane ticket for her when that woman decided to leave our family drama and go to another city (he still visited her a couple of times years after that). But he rarely spent any money for my mom. My mom didn’t divorce him because she believed her child needed her dad.

We eventually moved to another bigger city because my mom wanted a better future for me and probably also wanted to leave a place that could keep reminding her of the past bitterness. In the new city, my dad’s business was not nearly as good as before, and he didn’t have affairs again. Things weren’t as bad for a while once I got into middle school. But after I became a high schooler, my mom found out he spent all their savings from selling a house (around 30k$) on stock investments. He never earned a dime from stock markets since I was 6, but the moment he got his hands on the family savings, he used all of them on stocks and lost every single dime. My mom was crazy mad at him but couldn’t do anything to bring the money back.

Another thing my dad loved to do was to leave home for a few days to stay in a hotel to "get rid of the stressed feelings" when he was at home. At first my mom would be worried about him and call many people to ask about where he was, but after a few times, she did not care any more. But when I became a senior in high school, he left us without any notice and flew to a city 3 hours away by flight. Well, on the morning he left, he came into my room and told me looking all sad, "dad is not gonna be around for a while. You need to work harder on studying". I kept asking him where he was going and if mom knew, but he did not say anything. That day, my mom got all panicked when she realized he seemed to have left for good. She forgot to bring her keys and lost her wallet. All because of my stupid and irresponsible dad!

My mom kept working so hard till she earned way more than my dad and had a higher status than him. It then occurred to me how much my mom always wanted to get a divorce but didn't, just for me. I loved my dad so much when I was younger, even though my mom was hurt so bad. I just could not fathom what they were going through until I got older. When I went into my graduate school for an MA, she divorced him. He wouldn't and said, "who's gonna support me financially if we get divorced?" She eventually had to go to the court and lost the house to him, because he was yelling and screaming in front of the judge saying he did not have a job with high and steady income like my mom.

Now, I'm almost in my 30s and have a caring SO, but whenever I think of my dad, I feel anger and wish I had a better and more responsible dad. The worst thing is he still thinks it's my mom who is evil and broke the family. He does not think he did anything wrong. When I brought up the cheating and money, he would say, " that's in the past. Let's drop it". I can hardly remain calm and smile for more than 5 minutes when I spend time with him. Even so, everyone else, especially my mom, is asking me to be nicer to him, because he is my dad. My mom says that at least he really loves me, so I should stop hating him. But I just can't. Any advice on helping me forgive him about things that happened so long ago?

Sorry for such a long post. It's just I recently got a call from him. The 1.5 min call made me feel so bad for so long. I need some venting and hopefully some advice here. Thanks for reading.

Submitted August 04, 2021 at 06:41PM by GoatonLlama https://ift.tt/3yw0xiq