CW: Manipulative parent. I'm also extremely bitter and resentful and it will show in this post.
I'm 35 years old and in 2009 my mother had a full knee replacement surgery, where I, who didn't have a job at the time, was expected to be the full time caregiver to my her while she recovered. My Dad (now deceased) could have done it, but he was off running around having affairs with every woman who would spread their legs for him and he couldn't have been bothered. Both my Mom and Dad praised me for doing such a great job at being a caregiver and that I should be the caregiver of the family. I should have set a boundary right then that it wasn't something I wanted to do with my future, not that I don't love and appreciate all that my parents have done for me, but at the time and even now, I've barely had a chance to experience life because I've been weighed down with this responsibility that I didn't ask for or want in the first place.
Fast forward to 2011, my mother loses her job that she had had for over 30 years, while at the same time, my father is fighting a losing battle to cancer in the hospital. 2012, my Dad lost the fight to cancer and my Mom just didn't want to return to work, she turned to food for comfort and gained a lot of weight, which has been negatively affecting her health. She is on social security retirement and has food stamps and she buys nothing but junk food with it; chips, cookies, candy, soda, etc. She usually sends me into the store with the card and a list of a bunch of junk she wants and I've started lying and saying they didn't have certain things in stock. Or before I go in, I ask her if she wants any real food, sandwich meat, something other than Dr Pepper, Reese Cups, muffins, ice cream and BBQ chips.
Now, I use the term caregiver quite loosely, she is still capable of doing almost everything herself (albeit more slowly than before) and I barely ever need to check on her. She mostly needs me to lift heavy things or open things because she has arthritis in her hands. She has fallen only a couple times over the years and I only needed to give her a hand to help her up, nothing broken or badly hurt. However, she's admittedly gotten extremely lazy and doesn't want to clean up after herself or the messes her 2 giant Great Pyrenees dogs make. I've taken to having to pick up trash off the floor that the dogs tore up, wash her dishes for her, clean up her messes that she's just not bothered to clean herself because she's too busy looking at Facebook on her phone or reading books on her kindle.
I have continued to live at home with her, whilst doing freelance work or odd jobs online, which dried up almost completely when the pandemic started and the market got flooded. I've never had a conventional job so, I brought it up to my Mom that I might look around for something to do part time, to test the waters. She has always been manipulative my whole life and I'm fully aware of how she is, but when I told her that I maybe wanted to get a normal job, she started in with "what if I fall and you're not here to help me?" "what if something happens and you're too far from home?" "you're supposed to be my caregiver!" "I'm scared of dying!" or generally bringing up things to scare me into just staying here and doing nothing with her and her taking care of me financially (which she can barely do). And her scaring me did work for a bit, but now I'm getting antsy at home with no income, no way to support myself or hobbies, I've even forgone dating again (been single for 4 years), I'm lonely and I feel stuck.
I am also dependent on my Mom to drive me places because I no longer have a car, auto insurance or my license. Car broke down and I couldn't afford to get it fixed and car insurance was eating away at what little savings I had when I wasn't able to drive anywhere. That's for those who will say just get a job and drive yourself there without telling your Mom. We also live in the middle of buttfu** nowhere and nearest places to work are a 15+ minute drive away. We live in a state where family caregivers aren't compensated by the state (I already looked into that).
I don't know how to bring up the topic of not wanting to be considered her caregiver anymore, that I want to move on with my life, get a job and experience more of life that I've been putting off because she had me scared of situations that haven't even happened. And that I need her to at least drive me to and from a job for a while until I can afford my own car and insurance again. I just fear that she'd try to sabotage whatever job I get by making me late or miss work or just refuse to drive me all together. I have no other family or friends who live nearby and there's no public transportation or cab services in my area.
TL;DR - How to ask manipulative mother to let go of me being her caregiver, that she doesn't really need, when she's had be scared of leaving the house for 10 years?
Submitted August 23, 2021 at 03:36AM by boyodi https://ift.tt/2WlKp4W
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