I (29M) just told my wife (28F) that we should divorce. Neither of us wants it, but we both agree we need it. This isn't how it's supposed to be

Writing to Reddit because there's nobody else I can talk to at 2:00am.

After nearly 7 years of marriage, we're ending it. We've both seen it coming for a long time. We both hate it. But what can we do??

We haven't had successful sex in 5+ years. I'm a very high-libido person and she is repulsed by sex. I don't think she's asexual, because she was into it early in the relationship, and even now, every once in a while, she'll show a spark of interest that dies down before we can get even partway into intercourse. Most of the time she won't even kiss me except for maybe a very chaste lip-bump. She refuses to talk about it at all, won't even consider attempting masturbation or toys, has never had an orgasm in her life imo (I think she faked it a few times early on), has no idea what sexual pleasure is, utterly refuses to see a therapist or a doctor. I think it's a side-effect of her hormonal birth control that she takes for her periods, but she refuses to talk about it or even consider getting tested or changing it.

Every time I try to get something going with her in bed, she refuses and then feels depressed and guilty for refusing, and then I feel depressed and angry and guilty for being refused and making HER feel guilty. IMO this has contributed vastly to the chronic clinical depression we both have. It's like this festering wound in the relationship that won't heal. I've hated my own libido for so long, it's preventing us from being happy. And I hate how unreasonable she is too, I don't get it, what the fuck is wrong with her, just see a fucking doctor or therapist for christ's sake.

But otherwise we love each other. We love being together. We have good times. We had fun together just today. We're both crying about this. We're both going to be lonely and sad and regretful. We've both tried so hard to hang on for so long, for years and years.

She knew we would separate soon. She'd clearly been thinking about it already. She started telling me her plans almost immediately. Go back to her home country, start a business there. She had it all planned out. I was ready for it too, plans about how to move out and when and the best way to split our shared resources.

She's offering to split her (very considerable) bank account with me, which I'm refusing because she'll need it to start a new life for herself and I don't need it anyways.

We'll both be happier. I tell myself that. We'll both be freed. She'll be able to live her life single and happy, I'll be able to move on to a happier relationship.

I don't know, I don't know. We shouldn't be splitting up, I don't know. It's gone on too long. I'm about to turn 30 and then I'll have spent almost my entire 20s as an involuntary celibate, trapped by a sexless marriage, and if I don't break it now it'll be this way for the rest of my life. I can't fix it. I feel like I'm mercy-killing a beautiful puppy because it has cancer and every treatment has failed, horrible, just a nightmare.

I don't know what my question is. Am I doing the right thing? Do amicable divorces happen often? My parents divorced because my mom hated my dad. How can we be getting divorced when we both still love each other? Does she even love me?

TL;DR wife and I are getting amicably divorced despite a loving relationship due to irreconcilable sexual differences.

Submitted July 26, 2021 at 02:33AM by alt167 https://ift.tt/3kWhQ89