Link to previous post for context: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/kfhap5/friend\_30m\_made\_a\_move\_on\_me\_25f\_after\_no\_other/
Hi reddit, I thought I'd write an update even if not very many people would be interested haha
I'm sorry if it ends up long and rambly, but I don't know how else to describe my perceived complexity of the situation and emotions.
To recap: Last year around December or late November, I was hanging out with a friend and he ended up kissing me. At the time, I couldn't understand why he did that, and also felt a lot of inner conflict partly because of our complex history. I guess I just couldn't believe that I wouldn't end up getting hurt again. But for whatever reason, we kept seeing each other, and I knew that the longer it went on, the more devastated I would be when it would end. So far, he had only been hinting at wanting to date more seriously. It was just little things, like getting a little mad when I jokingly said he couldn't call me "my girl," or asking me if my parents would like him, or another instance in which I mentioned that if I had a son I'd name him John, and he replied "John [his last name]? I don't know if I like that name"
This past weekend, we visited one of my friends and her husband and family. They told him how they had met, and then asked how we had met because I hadn't really mentioned to my friend anything about him. I guess the way he described it casted doubt on how I thought he saw the situation. He is absolutely not somebody who would romanticize the concept of a person, which is why the idea that he was waiting all this time for me seemed ridiculous. I mean, he didn't exactly say that, but that was the implication.
So on the drive back, I gently brought up the topic. The gentleness and my overall lack of desire to open up emotionally wasn't really a self-defense mechanism--after some soul searching I've come to realize that I was the kind of person who used to unintentionally use my own emotional vulnerability to coax out emotional vulnerability in others. In a romantic relationship, this was always interpreted as giving someone an ultimatum or twisting their arm into commitment or to get them to open up. Anyway, since realizing that, I have been very intentional in NOT being emotionally manipulative.I basically just put it out there that our "relationship" back in the day, and whatever that led to him kissing me, was one big question mark to me. He said that it might be helpful if he told me his perspective on things.
When we first met, it's not that he didn't want to date me. The problem was that he did, but he could tell that if he were to pursue things with me, that it would not end up well because I was still sorting stuff out emotionally. He knew it was casual, but also he said he wasn't really even seeing anyone else and he did want to work up to us dating more seriously. And then, I told him I was starting to date someone else, and that it was committed, and he just wanted the best for me and didn't want to interfere. That was how we ended up as friends. He recalls one day that I asked him how he was doing, and he responded that he was feeling sad. He didn't tell me at the time, but he felt sad because it finally struck him that I was gone. He said, "I've always had strong feelings for you," but that he never wished for me to break up with my ex and when we were hanging out, he was trying to be intentional in being very platonic with his words and actions. He wasn't sure what to do either when I was single again, but he wanted to hang out and said "It just felt right to kiss you. Did it not feel right for you, too?"
Everything he described was so different than how I imagined things were. I had been reflecting on it some more, and decided to be frank with my feelings about everything. I decided it was okay to tell him because at this point, I don't really care if he reciprocates--I'm fine continuing with this situationship until it naturally comes to an end, in which I'll be sad but I know I'll be strong enough to move on. I told him about my doubts and where they come from--how, when we first met, he said he didn't see it getting serious, and how he's said he feels like he wouldn't ever find someone to settle down with, and how I don't quite yet know what my future was going to look like.
First, he addressed my concerns about career/academics and relationships. I don't really do this since I'm not at that point of schooling yet, but he said that I shouldn't feel like I should sacrifice time studying to be with him, that he would completely understand if I was busy. He also said that he has already reached his professional/academic goals so it wouldn't be hard for him to make sacrifices in those fields, and also brought up (generally) that pooling resources could help with time and money. And lastly, he also said that he hadn't thought of me relocating but that "we could figure it out when we get there."
Then... he said he's wanted to date seriously, but that he also knows that I've said I wanted a break from dating, so he was afraid that if he pushed it too hard, that it would cause the relationship to fall apart. We have a little road trip coming up, and he said that was going to ask me then.
And then he asked if I wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend now (!!) or if I wanted to take another step in between, and I said it seems like it's more of an in-person conversation. We're going to see each other tomorrow, so I guess we'll talk about it then.
Then I asked if HE wanted a step in between, and he just said "hahaha nope" (!!!!)
I feel like we get along so well. He's so incredibly kind and sweet and thoughtful, and he makes me feel seen and listened to. I never grow tired of just being in his presence, and it's too early to tell if this would last, but I feel so happy and loved and I'm so grateful for him and these moments and I don't care if this sounds sappy. Sorry this was so long :x
tl;dr: We're now going steady and although it's not official yet, I'm feeling very hopeful for the future!
Submitted March 24, 2021 at 09:15PM by No-Balance4626 https://ift.tt/3lNwPzE
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