My [29M] girlfriend [30F] slept in the same bed as her best friend [?M] who's shes slept with before and kept it from me.

So we've been dating about 4.5 months. At the start of the month, she went for a 2 week visit to Scotland (wheres she lived for 5 years). The day before leaving, she told me she loves me for the first time and I was ecstatic, because I knew I was in love with her for a while. We had a conversation about our views on cheating before she left which were mostly good, but it also left me wondering what her views were. But we had committed to exclusivity early on, and besides a few minor ups and downs prior to this we had always talked them through maturely and calmly, and worked our way forward. Anyway, I went into this happy and secure.

The first week of her trip everything was fine. We were keeping in touch with some texts and calls and she sent me some pictures. But by the second half, she had gotten a lot busier seeing different friends and doing different things. I was/am completely okay with this, but I did start to feel a little distant from her, and as her final few days approached I decided to be a little vulnerable and told her I was feeling a little insecure over some things.

On the day she was going to see her ex, I told her I was a little insecure about her being around her best friend who she had slept with, and about the coffee she had coming up, and I also knew she had been drinking and doing some drugs throughout (I'm 9 months into recovery). She was supportive and reassuring.

Her meetup with her ex came, and instead of a coffee they decided to have dinner instead. I was okay with this. After it was done she told me it was "good but tricky" and that she loved me very much and isnt confused about her feelings, and would tell me more later. I felt a little worried, but I took her messages in stride and dealt with my thoughts appropriately.

The last part of her message was that she had had a last visit with her best friend. Past tense. And wished me a goodnight. I didnt think much of it at the time.

When she came home, I brought up my feelings on the second half of her trip again because I just couldnt shake my feelings of worry or insecurity. I had been blaming myself and my past for these thoughts/feelings, beating myself up over them, telling myself I should just learn to trust and accept the reality I know. I told myself she loves me and we had plans for a weekend together when she got back.

But when I told her how I felt, I asked, "Is there anything that happened on the trip that would hurt me?" Her response was that while she was on drugs she had cuddled with some of her guy friends. I was cool with this. I know how good it feels to be close to friends on MDMA. But she also said something else. She said that on the last night there, when she had a "last visit" with her best friend, past tense, he had actually stayed the night and slept there in the same bed as her. She was quick to say no cuddling or anything had happened, just that they slept next to each other as friends. And that the only reason she kept it from me is because it was so minor and insignificant and meaningless, she didnt want it to hurt or bother me.

I initially accepted her story and got over the feeling of hurt. We had an amazing weekend together, intimate and wonderful. And her behaviour felt the same as before. But as the week has progressed, I've slowly started to feel more and more hurt about what happened.

At first I started listening to ted talks and pod casts about relationships and honesty and insecurity. I continued to blame myself. But now I'm starting to realize my feelings are valid.

I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. The fact is, I dont know what happened on her trip at all. I don't have that information and I cant make a judgement there. But the other facts remain. She did something that she knew would hurt me, or hurt our relationship. And then she decided to keep it from me.

Whether it was harmless or done with the intention to protect me is meaningless, because I feel like she hid important information from me. And I've lost a lot of trust and confidence in this relationship. I wonder what else she has or will keep from me in the future.

There are other issues as well, like the fact she had hurt feelings when her ex boyfriend told her about his new relationship. But I think that's pretty normal. And she also said she didnt tell him/doesn't tell other exes about her new relationships. And that makes me feel hurt as well.

Ultimately, what damaged my trust was her decision to withhold information from me. I'm not sure how valid my feelings of betrayal are, and I'm not sure if I was physically or emotionally betrayed. But my trust was damaged nonetheless. I would really appreciate some insight here.

TL:DR Girlfriend slept in the same bed as her best male friend who shes slept with multiple times, and kept it from me. When I asked her if she did anything to hurt me on the trip, she came clean and said it was to protect me. My trust has been damaged and I'm still struggling with invasive paranoid thoughts, wondering what else she has kept from me, and wondering what she may keep from me in the future. Sick of feeling like this, and have been doing a lot of personal work on my self-esteem and insecurity, including booking a therapist appointment.

Submitted March 24, 2020 at 10:25PM by pnutbuttersmellytime https://ift.tt/39j1pth