This won't be very organized and I guess I don't care about that anyway.
My company decided today to end my employment as of March 31. This comes on top of a huge issue between me and my husband that started yesterday that has left me feeling both overwhelmed with negative emotion and also just..... void of everything.
My husband has a porn problem, and yesterday it became clear because he had been watching it in front of our two year old.
Yesterday he asked my 8 year old (his step son) to watch our 2 year old downstairs and he went upstairs and masturbated. Then he watched porn at 5 more separate times while my 8 year old was out with his grandma during the day, meaning he was doing it in the same room with our 2 year old. He claims not to have touched himself around him, and that he only watched the porn (yeah, okay, sure) but nonetheless... unless he locked our 2 year old in a bedroom (which I would kill him for anyway) he was watching porn to gain arousal with my son just feet away. So he's obviously lying about not watching it around him, since my 2 year old hardly naps (MAYBE once). I feel disgusted by the fact that he did it but even more disgusted by the fact that he's obviously lying about it (and claims that unless I had a camera watching him that I had no proof... the math doesn't lie, he watched porn on our downstairs computer 5 separate times throughout the day, he had to have had our son in the room at some point, regardless of whether he touched himself or "was just watching it because he likes watching it"
He hasn't been the most sexually satisfying lately either, which is another huge problem of mine. I'm very insecure, and he is well aware of that. He is also aware that in a previous serious relationship, I was told that masturbation was preferable to having sex with me. These are all things he knows are very sensitive to me.
I have no problem with porn, but the fact that he's ignoring me sexually (and boy have i been trying to spice it up - I've been buying lingerie, toys, trying to talk the way he wants me to talk and act the way he wants me to act) plays a huge factor in it. The fact that he is so desperate for pornography that he's willing to ignore our son on 5 separate occasions in an 8 hour period (while I'm at work) tells me that I'm not sexually appealing enough for him anymore.
I'm a little overweight from having our 2 year old, and I guess I'm not the most sexual being (I have short hair and am not super feminine like he likes... I'm also not blonde or any of the other things he prefers in a woman) and I have always been insecure.
I guess I'm just broken.. He's broken me. I told him that my problem isn't him watching porn, but that he was so desperate to watch it instead of waiting for me to get home so we could so something together - he resorted to watching it several times throughout the day in the presence of our son (which he still denies). He keeps repeating "I'm sorry for watching porn" when I'm practically begging him to address and apologize for the actual problem. I poured my heart out to him about why I'm so hurt and why it's so wrong and he just keeps saying "I'm sorry for watching porn".
Finally I told him that I couldn't look at him the same after this, that we won't divorce because we have a family together and it would be awful for the children... but that I don't think I'll ever feel the same way about him again because of this.
Reddit..... please help me. Please talk to me, tell me I'm not crazy for thinking this is disgusting and unacceptable??? Or tell me I am crazy. I dno't know. Just someone please help me through these horrible feelings of hurt and betrayal and disgust. I'm at such a low place right now, if I didn't have children to worry about there is no way I would have made it past the morning.
TLDR: My husband is watching porn around our 2 year old instead of being sexual with me. Doesn't see anything wrong with the situation, doesn't care that I'm hurting, and lies that our son wasn't in the room.
Submitted March 24, 2020 at 02:00PM by YesAllOctopi https://ift.tt/2QKWMBA
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