TL;DR: My mom told me, while venting, that I was an accident baby. I had no idea, and it made me cry. My dad thought that this was wildly inappropriete of my mother to do. The family is very tense and I'm not sure what to do.
I found out yesterday I'd be at the bottom of a condom right now, had my parents not thought mom was sterile. My mother was always a very, very anxious woman. Sadly, I inherted this from her, and my mom wanted to talk to me about it. My future especially. She adviced me not to have any children, because the responsability weighs too heavily if you already have issues coping with daily life just as it is. (My mother and I are both seeing a therapist for this.)
The subject eventually turned to my mom venting her frustrations with my (49M) father, and how he has troubles understanding what anxiety feels like. This has always been an issue, but especially as of late, since me and my mother have both been worried about the whole corona-situation. I love my father to bits and pieces and have a much better relationship to him than to my mom, but I fully agree that he's unempathic at times.
Both of these talking points together lead to my mother talking about how mean she'd considered my father to be during her pregnancy. She told me completely out of the blue that I'd been an accident baby, and that my father had accused her of lying about being sterile. I had no idea about this at all.
The story had gone like this, according to my mother: Mom and dad had been dating for two years. They decided to try for a baby, but had no luck for over a year. They'd tried everything, but moms doctor had told her that she's most likely gone sterile since having my brother. They gave up on a having baby, and broke up. (Not due to the baby problem, but because my mother had started getting in contact with her ex boyfriend without telling my dad.)
My dad still visited to help my mom out with her apartment. Apperently they ended up sleeping with eachother on one of these occasions, and baby Cotton was made. Dad didn't want to be a parent at first, since he'd just gotten used to the thought of not having a baby again. I was born anyways.
This was a lot for me to take in. Not only was I apperently an accidentchild, but my otherwise kind father had behaved in a way I never thought he'd do. I've loved him more than anything all my life. Due to moms anxiety I've always spent time with my calm father. He's always been so extremely supportive and non-judgemental to me, even if he doesn't fully understand my emotions. I've always came to him with all my problems, and he's always helped me find a solution. He's always taken me and my life seriously, considering my opinions valuable and my problems real no matter my age. I love him, and I know that he loves me.
I had to go cry in my room after being told all of this. Mom told me not to mention to dad that she'd told me all of this. When dad came home and found me crying I wanted to hug him and ask him so badly if it was all true, but I just told him to leave. He went and questioned mom about what was wrong, and if he'd done anything wrong to make me upset. She'd apperently told him that it was a "trusted secret between me and Cotton." Dad wouldn't budge, and insisted that she should tell him what was wrong. So, mom assembled the family, and gave a vauge statement about that she'd "mentioned the pregnancy and that dad hadn't been nice to her."
My dad was instantly upset with her and thought that the way she had told me about the whole "accident" thing was wildly inappropriete and far too negative. He thought that it was selfish of her to vent her frustration with him in a way that was hurtful to me. It's one of the first times I've seen my father cry. Mom didn't speak to either of us for the rest of the evening.
My dad spent the remaning hours of the day with me. We spoke everything trough and he assured me that both of my parents have always loved me to bits, no matter if I wasn't planned. I assured him in return that I love him the same and that he shouldn't feel guilt. I told him about all of the feelings and questions I had. Did they consider having an abortion? Why had they lied to me about the way I was born? I feel guilty for having trapped my incompatible, constantly fighting parents in a relationship where mom acts abusive and my dad acts emotionally distant. Why had he been so mean to my mom?
Dad told me that mom was exaggerating a lot, and that a lot of those things were not true. To be honest, I have no idea who to believe here. My mom has a history of exaggerating and lying about other people to make herself look like the victim. (She has told me lies about dad before.) But my dad's also unreliable, as he has a tendency to repress any uncomfortable memories. Mom may very well be lying to "get back at" my father for making her upset, and my dad may very well have repressed the unpleasant memories from the pregnancy and remember them differently or not at all.
My mom came to me this morning to tell me that she was sorry, and that it wasn't right of her to lay all that information on me in that way. I was both happy and suprised. She never apologizes, so this was a pretty big moment. I said that everything was fine, and that I'm an adult that can handle the truth, even if it will take me a while to process and think trough. I really wish she hadn't told me, though. I feel weird and different. I know that's silly, but I hope the feeling will go away soon. I'll talk to my therapist about it.
The family's even more tense than usual. My dad's holding his stance that mom wasn't right in telling me in this way. Mom's annoyed and angry at my father. They are both acting nice/normally torwards me. Both of them have made attemps troughout the day to cheer me up, which I really appriciate.
How do we go forward? Should my parents talk to eachother about this? What should I tell them?
Submitted March 24, 2020 at 12:42PM by CottonPlant99 https://ift.tt/33JZnRz
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