Hello, this is a throwaway account bc my main is used for school, gonna be a lengthy post bc there's a lot of context to be given so bear with me. It might not be the most applicable to this sub but I didn't know where else to post.
TW: Mention of Suicidal Thoughts
I'm a college student at the moment in my second year. I'm also transgender and queer. I'm still currently in the closet in regards to my parents as I kind of depend on them. Other than that, I'm very much out to my friends, professors, advisors in college and even changed my preferred name in the school system. I'm living authentically as much as I could but there's only so much without parents knowing. So, everyday is still a constant struggle. If you're not too knowledgeable about gender dysphoria, it's one of the worst feelings ever. I constantly hate my body and want to give up on life (I pursue therapy and get support from friends). Now, I do have the means to be financially independent from parents bc of financial aid, scholarship, and a part-time job. So, if I were to come out and cut contact with them, I could live. I've been waiting for about 5 years to have a chance like this. I don't know what the future will hold so I would rather come out sooner rather than later.
Before getting into it, I wanna explain the nature of my relationship with my parents. My parents are awful. My dad has demonstrated a history of domestic violence, manipulation, and mental abuse and recently was briefly jailed for it. Now, my parents are separated in the process of a divorce. Even though, my mom is a victim of his and I completely empathize with that (I've tried my best to be of support to her), she is also a bit manipulative and mentally abusive to us. That on top of them being very religious (Islam), makes me want to cut ties with them rather than try to make them understand me being trans and stuff.
If I can financially support myself and have no problem cutting them off, why am I still in the closet, you ask? Well, I have two sisters (16&18). The youngest one is a junior in high school and currently lives with my mom and still visits and interacts with my dad on the daily. If I were to come out, she will definitely be somehow impacted if my parents decide to shelter her even more, make her move, cut her contact with me, and just overall make her life even more miserable than it is now. Since I came to college and gotten free from their reigns, all I wanted to come out of the closet and just be me and finally start my medical transition. However, the only thing stopping me was my sister. Both of them are my entire world and I love them to death. They're the only family that knows and that accepts me.
TW: Just another warning of suicidal thoughts
Recently, with the whole virus, things came with my sister. I expressed how I want to come out soon, maybe by December. This completely freaked her out and she started panicking. The most worrying thing is she said that if I come out before she graduates high school, she will commit suicide. Now, I was freaking out. I told her to ask for help either from me or friends or high school counselor about her suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to assume that she was just saying for the sake of making me not do it but it was at the back of my mind. I took her seriously and tried to be as supportive as possible while explaining to her that I too was experiencing the same thing but bc I cannot transition. It was a whole bunch of both of us trying to get the other to understand their perspective and compromise but we're kinda angry at each other at the same time. At some point, I started hearing her cry from my room (this was all over text, she tends to lock herself in her room so I couldn't have this convos face to face). At that point, it hurt me thinking she was in so much pain and I immediately told her that I would wait for her to finish high school before telling my parents anything. The only thing is I see for the first time a way for me to finally do it with the least damages, as with the virus situation in place, their attention will mostly be on that and will keep them from wanting to drive to my school (3hr drive) to confront me (I do have safety concerns).
I don't know what I'm trying to ask here honestly. I feel like I'm being selfish and not at the same time. I just want to be me and live my authentic life. That's all I'm asking but if it's at the expense of my sister's comfort or safety? I just don't know what to do or where to draw the line. Any advice is welcome! Any transphobia, islamophobia, homophobia is unwelcome! Thank you if you got this far.
TLDR (TW: Suicidal Thoughts): I'm trans and have been in the closet for 5 years waiting to start my transition. I want to come out and cut ties with my parents. I am finally at a point where I would be able to support (barely-ish) myself financially without them. Parents are manipulative and mentally abusive. My minor sister (16) does not want me to come out until she graduates high school and has said she will kill herself if I do. I got scared of that and told her I would wait. Am I being selfish or just trying to take care of myself? How do I proceed?
Submitted March 24, 2020 at 05:30PM by PositiveShallPrevail https://ift.tt/2xl718Y
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