[UPDATE] I [20 F] don't know if I should break up with my boyfriend [30M] of two years because of mental health issues
This is an update for this post (don't know how to do the cool link thing):
I broke up with him.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and even now I'm wondering if I did the right thing. When we were both crying over the phone, I just wanted to reverse my actions and be back with him.
He was super respectful (which, honestly, I hadn't expected - I think maybe I'd hoped he'd be angry so I would be 'justified' in my choice) and understood why I broke up with him, but was devastated nonetheless. He knew that his patterns/coping mechanisms were wrong but because he's had them for so long they became normalised. We both know that he probably wouldn't be able to change them if we were still together, but somehow that doesn't make me feel better.
I also did some digging into my own emotions and motivations and after some wonderful reddit users suggested looking into trauma bonding I discovered I am a codependent. It stems from unresolved issues with my emotionally unstable parents, and basically means I am totally dependent on someone else for my confidence, feeling good, love, whatever. This is why I'd try to change myself for him, or never do anything that would make him upset. I realised I also need to work on this before I could ever be in a healthy relationship.
So basically, we both had wounds and a hole that we tried to fill with each other, and both had unhealthy coping mechanisms. While it felt safe because we had someone to fall back on if we needed love or affirmation, it was also suffocating us. I know going back would only be a short term solution for the pain, since we'd be bound to fall into the same patterns again. Even still, it's hard not to only look back on all the good times I'll be missing, and keep in mind those don't excuse the bad times.
I want to thank all the people that commented and helped me realise this wasn't a healthy situation.
TL;DR I broke up with him, he understands why, but we're both hurting. For anyone interested, check out Stephanie Lyn on YT, her videos helped me a lot while processing some of this stuff.
Submitted February 02, 2020 at 02:57AM by sasstielwinchester https://ift.tt/2UfrsxD
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