My (32F) best friend (39F) thinks our friendship should be primary over relationship with fiancé (32M) and doesn’t understand boundaries

Like the title says, I am a 32F and have a best friend 39F who isn’t quite aware of boundaries even when I set them. Backstory: we are both divorced single parents, we have basically been helping each other out for the last decade. We met at work and we have always made time for one another and each other’s families to help each other out like a wonderful single mom network, we’ve in the past referred to ourselves as Herero life-mates if no one else ever came along .

I have some health issues that led to my early retirement so I am not as physically capable as I used to be on really any level, I use a walker or cane most days. She and I both started seeing our own partners 2 years ago, each of our partners encourage our friendship because in the grand scheme of things it is a pretty healthy relationship. She has older children in their teens and I have a new to school 5 year old. This year has been one of the most challenging years for me because my LO has some sensory processing disorder as well as ADHD. Currently I’m not able to even get most of my own health on track with regular doctor visits because my LO will have an absolute meltdown at the drop of a hat and gets violent at school meaning I have to go contain her and bring her home (things are too loud, there’s a weird string that came loose in her pants etc)

My fiancé (32m) and BFF are now at odds because he has been standing up for me when I’ve not been able to stand up for myself (PTSD and conditioned people pleaser) BFF has been dropping by our home unannounced a lot lately stating that she misses me and that she thinks my fiancé is super controlling because we don’t get together for dinner once a week like we used to. She claims she’s “lost everything we used to have and fiancé should understand that since he and I live together I need to go out and have my girl time and BFF family time.” There’s just ONE big wrench in all of that, while yes I miss her and I want to spend time with her I don’t have the energy. My LO’s issues are so big that once she is home from school (not every single day is a nightmare) we can’t go anywhere at all. We have to completely stick to the routine we have had to fight tooth and nail to get into. My parents take LO on Friday nights just so that we can have a break and I can actually rest because I don’t rest during the week. I’m so afraid that my LO will get sent home that I am not able to schedule appointments until she is more stable. Fiancé picks up the slack for me and is stressed out because BFF shows up really at the most horrific times when I’m maybe laying down and passing out from exhaustion or right as my LO is getting off the school bus and depending on the day it could be good or bad. She feels she’s doing nothing wrong because there is no reason she shouldn’t be in our home “helping” since that’s what we always have done. When I have tried to talk to her to tell her that we (LO, Fiancé, and myself) are trying to find our own groove together it’s met with tons of questions and justifications on her end of “but I’m helping, we are family too, I never see you, at least you live with your significant other, I never get to see mine except once a week, your fiancé should be happy he lives with you and that should be enough time with you” (not even thinking that by the time LO goes to bed we are so tired that we can’t even have an adult conversation because we also go to bed)

This last week was horrible, one morning my LO didn’t even make it a half hour at school one day because her pants were too stiff and wrinkly, she got violent at school and I had to go get her. In order to bring her home I had to pull her off the principals desk where she was throwing things and hug her while she proceeded to hit, punch, and head butt me, till the pressure was good enough she started calming down. By the time I got home I was beat up and in so much pain I was wrapped around the toilet puking. Fiancé came home on his lunch break to set her up with some things and to get me to the bed with a bucket. BFF had called me a couple of times between morning and afternoon and I didn’t pick up the phone so she stopped in unannounced when I was trying to get LO to do the school work that she missed that day. She then stepped in and tried to help some more and when Fiancé got home he was upset. I had already told BFF that it was terrible timing and it would be better if she wasn’t there but she stayed because “she’s helping.” She really had come over to try to have conversations about her BF and his next job move and kids. Side note: we have always talked through a lot of our issues or annoyances with each other since both of us are divorced out of abusive relationships. I understand that she needed to have a sounding board but she wasn’t listening at all when I told her it really wasn’t a good time. We fiancé and I understand that LO has issues but beyond those issues we have consequences in place for certain behaviors, we understand SPD but we are working on getting little one to communicate feelings and emotions instead of lashing out but that’s another story for another time. BFF didn’t leave until one of her own kids called and asked her when she would be home. I was left just frustrated and dumb founded because I thought I’d been clear and that “not a good time” meant she needed to go, I apparently was wrong. Because she stayed.

The next day she insisted on calling to discuss how upset my fiancé was when he got home from work and ask what his deal was......... she’s placed the blame on lack of time or ability to talk completely on him and I feel that is entirely unfair. My fiancé and others have stated in the past that she very much behaves as if she and I are married in an emotional and overall support manner. I told her that yes fiancé was upset but so was I because we were trying to get LO to do what she needed to do and when her aunty shows up it becomes a party to her and the focus goes out the window. I told her that I very much miss her but over the last year there have been a ton of changes in life as well as increases health problems for me that have made things difficult and with LO starting school full time but having unknown days is the biggest factor of why we haven’t had time together. She told me that my fiancé is being overly controlling with my time and that it’s not fair that he gets our one kid free night without anyone else and that he needs to share. She also stated that he is a usurper and he needs to understand that our (her and my) friendship family bond comes before his wants and needs. AITA for thinking this is backwards? I believe in good friendships and we have always been there for each other over all but I’m worn out and it’s not because of my fiancé, it’s because of LO and her emotional neediness. I truly look forward to the actual alone time that we are awake together by ourselves and she’s making me feel bad about it. She doesn’t want me to marry him because she thinks he is stealing me away from everything when my health and LOs issues are the actual energy suckers in my life.

Side note: Our weekly dinners before LO started school were always at her house across town where I would have to haul half my kitchen stuff over (she doesn’t have the gadgets or the larger pots/pans that I do) Id cook dinner and have to clean all the stuff going back to my house and haul it back, where I would then need to sleep in the next day and rest without doing much of anything for the next 2. I don’t have that luxury anymore because there is no more sleep in time or real recovery time anymore. Sorry that this got jumbled and went on I just need to know if this is normal or possessive friend behavior?

TLDR: BFF thinks my Fiancé is usurping her role in my life and sucking all my energy when it’s health issues and I don’t know how to make her understand that.

Submitted February 02, 2020 at 09:27AM by citykidonafarm https://ift.tt/2tmJGSN