Me (f, 35), my SO (M, 35) of 7+ years, seem to be constantly arguing, and getting no where. The gyst is I work too much, and he doesn't work enough.

What the hell am I doing?

So, I (f35) am in this 7+ year relationship with my boyfriend (m35). We’ve been struggling a lot lately. A lot of financial hardships have been befalling on us, and it’s causing me a lot of stress, and a lot of it stems from him. I just can’t seem to get him to care, or do anything. He then gets mad at me because I’m frustrated and get emotionally abusive. We’re toxic. I’m not trying to excuse my harsh words, or manipulative, bullying behavior, or the lack of warmth I have towards him. It’s kind of everything I can do to choke down the vile words and feelings. But he doesn’t work.

That’s not exactly true. He, when we first started dating had a modestly successful career in the arts. He was accomplished, it allowed for a leisurely lifestyle. He was a D list celebrity or whatever. He still enjoys a very modest portion of royalties as a monthly income, and still works producing new works of his own, and others. The problem is those returns are steadily decreasing, while expenses rise (as they do in this economy) and it’s not enough to sustain him. That’s the reality. It’s been like that for 3 years, and this past year has been especially hard on his career. I get how hard this is to someone who has spent their entire adult working career on this defining aspect of themselves. I know he’s worked hard to get where he is, and how much pain it is to see that work fall to ashes. That’s not easy, but being homeless trying to build something from ashes is just crazy. It’s not that he doesn’t work, it’s more I foam at the mouth that he continues to try to leisurely work as he has, and thinks that will just have to suffice, that he doesn’t need to make any changes.

So we fight a lot about money. Cliche. He’s a dreamer, and I love that about him, but it runs absolutely counter to my planner type personality. We’ve had many a conversation about the roles we play in the relationship, and one I abhor is being the nag. I resent it, deeply, and have told him as much, repeatedly. I have told him I hate when in the role of planner, if he isn’t going to come up with the plan, to just fucking follow it. I have the role of workhorse. I work 50+ hours a week, more whenever I can pick up more hours between 3 jobs, I do a majority of the cleaning, hell cooking, planning time to spend together, I save us from every emergency, and I just feel like I have nothing to show for it. Every reorganziation I come up with to try to give us some breathing room, save us some money, save a little for bigger long term goals is his then opportunity to just keep doing what he has been. All the while I just feel like the ground we stand on keeps shrinking. He resents that I go to bed early, that I’m tired, that our intimacy is greatly diminished. He resents that I become explosive if he wants to talk about the movies he’s watched, or podcasts he’s listened to. He resents that I don’t work on my own art like I used to, that I don’t read. I don’t begrudge him these things. I rage at the fact that he chooses to spend his time consuming media, as opposed to going out and working on his sources of income. I rage that he doesn’t listen to me when I’m trying to get ahead of a problem I see, before it cripples our options to address it, but a friend whom he may only talk to once a month says something and suddenly after months of me trying to get him to care, he suddenly all for it.

I think the writing is on the wall, obviously how I write it. I haven’t really talked to anyone about what has been going on. I’m afraid of being judged as a failure, and having made a huge mistake. I know my bosses look sideways at him. So do some of my closest friends question my logic. I wonder at that, and fear it, and it has further removed me from wanting to ask for help or advice from anyone close to me, because I just feel like an utter fool for having gotten into this mess. Hence why I have turned to the internet. I guess my question is how do you go about absolving a relationship? This is my first, I guess, serious relationship where you live with someone. So I don’t really know how you go about disentangling someone from your life without it potentially being destructive. I’m not afraid of him hurting me, I hold all the cards. I guess, how does one lay down their hand and end the game good sportingly?

Second question(s): Do trial separations ever really work? Am I just doing too much in the relationship? Am I being unreasonable because I want some sense of financial security? Am I just an utter heartless bastard? Are we just in a bad spot right now? Does it get better?

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t like what I am becoming.

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tl;dr: Do I keep trying to fix it, or jump ship?

Submitted February 23, 2020 at 03:07PM by Pigeon_Stomping https://ift.tt/2wGB7DD