I was planning to leave my (26F) boyfriend (31M) of 7 years because of abuse and possible unfaithfulness, then he got into an accident and passed away. I don't know how to feel, and no one knows. Help?

This was about a year ago now but this is the first I'm writing of it.

I want to start by saying 99 percent of the time, he was an angel. A pure soul with something that tainted him, I don't know what. He used to to say it was because his dad hit him, and a shitty home life growing up. We tried working through his outbursts together, I made him go to therapy, I tried walking on eggshells, tried avoiding alcohol together, probably a million other things.

We were literally male and female versions of eachother in every way. He was the only reason I found any happiness in the day, and was my entire life. We lived together those 7 years, and it was bumpy the whole time.

Many times apparently he had cheated. Not full on intercourse but groping, oral, excessive flirting and I have reasons to believe far worse happened but that's just what he admitted to.

He had snapped many times through our relationship, sometimes with years in between (so I always assumed he was getting better) and had attacked me, broken countless things, drove recklessly on purpose to scare me, choked me, you get the picture.

However EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE EVENT that he ever did (minus maybe 2 or 3 in 7 years) was under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

Our new years resolution for 2019 was to go completely sober, which he failed, a couple days into January.

So I said look, you do this stuff when you're drunk, you gamble away all your money when you're drunk, so let's go sober. And that's where we were. A couple weeks before the accident I was looking into roommates and moving out because I felt scared all the time of if he would snap. But yes, our life, 99 percent of the time was perfectly normal, but I always KNEW that anger in him would cause something real bad. And it did.

I don't want to write out details. But basically he'd been gambling and drinking a few hours prior and he sped off angry after a fight, crashed, and died.

No one knew about him. Not even his best friend. No one would believe me and I can't tarnish his memory to his 8 siblings, parents, countless nieces and nephews.

He was a beautiful soul inside, trust me when I say that, even now. Absolutely everyone loved him. I know he was talking poorly about me to his coworkers which is why they didn't reach out to me afterwards. And that hurts. If they only knew my side of those stories.

Anyway. I just needed to get this off of my chest, I don't really know where to go from here. All the insurance and settlement money (he was half not at fault) went to his mom and I got stuck with all the bills and now having to fully take care of everything.

I feel very conflicted in the pain of missing someone I spent so long with, my only friend for years, from being the first person on the scene of the accident because I was driving in my car behind him, and seeing his body. I think I developed PTSD but I have no insurance so I don't know. But I also knew that anger in him would cause damage somehow, somewhere. I can't tell anyone this secret. I moved out, try moving on, but all I think about is what happened when I close my eyes. I don't sleep anymore, really. Life doesn't feel real, I still can't register that it really happened. Several times an hour I just grip my chest because it hurts so severely because something makes me think of that day, of him, of our life. A car speeding, a siren, an accident, anything. Even a good memory.

It’s very painful and frustrating that some of his family even blames me for the argument that we had beforehand, and if I hadn’t “started” it he would still be here.

So what do I do now?

TL,DR

I have a secret I can't tell anyone, and I'm conflicted on how to feel about the violent passing I witnessed of my boyfriend of 7 years, and I have no idea how to move on from the shit show that has been my life.

Submitted February 04, 2020 at 05:25PM by parkedlofifi https://ift.tt/2SmhDv4