I (24F) feel like my fiance (24M) doesn't prioritize me (not even top 5 priorities). Any advice on how to get through to him how much it hurts me?

Hi guys! I just wanted to get some advice on how you think I should proceed since apparently straight up saying "this hurts my feelings" wasn't enough.

I have been with my now fiance for 8 years. The first 2.5 years I didn't really have this priority issue. I guess we were both still teenagers and in the grand scheme of thing weren't together too long , in the sense that obviously 8 years in (even before being engaged) obviously you felt more sure that you were going to get married than you feel at the 2.5 year mark.

Obviously, the longer you are together the more comfortable you get with each other and maybe in some respects don't "fight" as hard as you used to. I get that, although I've never stopped "fighting" for him, even today. But something that has plagued our relationship is his putting me as a low priority in his life in some situations. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy and when push comes to shove he has been there for me, and yes he has canceled an odd plan or two to be there for me when a pet died or on a birthday or holiday, and makes an effort to come to vendors for wedding planning. He is a really great guy in general, and I really wish this shortcoming didn't hurt me so much.

We have for 7.5 years, done some form of "long distance" (seeing each other once every 2-4 weeks for 24-36 hours max, and more often during breaks from school). So we don't live with each other, and at closest live 2 hours away (except during breaks). Back when this all first started, it used to be just that we skype each other once a week (we text often though). I would always ask Monday whether we could skype for example, on saturday, and check again midweek and day before. But if his roommate or another friend asked to hang out that night, I was always told "I'm hanging with so and so now, we will skype some other time" and sometimes that was the next day. After the first year of that it began to hurt my feelings. And still does when it happens, as it still does from time to time. It's not because he wants to hang out with other friends and not me. It hurts me because I only ask for him to set aside time for me an hour or two every week, and often he sees these friends regularly when he sees me only once every few weeks. So i guess it just hurt my feelings that he didn't ever honor his promise to me set that time aside for me when another friend asked to hang, or why he could so easily tell me "tomorrow" but couldn't ask his friend that wants to hang "i spending time with my GF tonight, how about tomorrow?" While this bother me, I often looked the other way knowing we couldn't be together physically and that he would still skype me usually, albeit a different day.

However, in the last 12-16 months more than the skype date issues have occurred. While he always has been late to hang out with me and never surprises me anymore or puts in effort to write little notes, or plan dates, I've looked past this too. I love him a lot, and I told myself he loves me as much as he can in his way and that's okay even if I love him more in my way. But lately the thing I can't seem to look past is the fact that he doesn't seem to think of me in situations where he arguably should. For example, on a holiday, I was told by him to show up at 7pm for dinner. However, his relatives from england and italy I never met came for lunch that day, along with his grandparents (who I know and am close to). I later found out I was invited to the lunch, and was expected to be there as his fiance, and that his younger brothers girlfriend was invited as well and had been there. When I showed up at 7pm, his family was upset I didn't come to lunch, a lunch I never knew existed. I felt so hurt that (1) he didn't invite me like he was supposed to; (2) even if he had forgotten, didn't tell me to come when his brother's girlfriend showed up; and (3) when his parents asked where I was, didn't stand up for me and say I didn't have knowledge of the lunch. When I talked to him after I found this all out and got chewed out, he said he merely forgot to say something to me. Similarly, after his grandpa passed, everyone went over to his grandmas two days after to reminisce and talk over arrangements. Again I was invited to come and so was his brother's girlfriend. I had no knowledge they wanted me there and didn't ask because I assumed they were dealing with private matters and grieving as a family and I didn't want to interfere, although the loss hurt me too. I later found out that his brother's girlfriend was there, and that meant a great deal to his grieving grandma and she was asked to put together all the pictures and help prepare for the wake. This hurt me a lot because I had been with the family 8 years and spent every holiday, every special moment of my life in the last 8 years with his now passed grandpa, and I was told at the wake by his grandma it hurt her that I didn't show. Again I didn't know I was allowed and he didn't think to ask me to come or do so once the girlfriend showed up. It hurt so badly that she got the special job of putting together his memories when she had only been around a year , and that opportunity was passed over me because he didn't ask me to be there or didn't think I was grieving too. Again he didn't stand up for me.

After all this, I offered to plan a date night as between wedding planning stress and this rough patch I felt like it would be helpful to spend a fun night out together. I planned a romantic dinner and then some other fun activities we enjoyed. He showed up two hours late, because he was talking to co-workers (not about work, just to hang out). I was so crushed because we had talked about the way I felt and he knew this date night was important to me, and us, so that we could re-strengthen our relationship. He apologized but rationalized it as there was nothing he could do, when he's always left exactly on time from work when there's something he deems important to himself.

Though we have talked about these things hurting my feelings many times, especially over the last month or so, He still continues to do them.

I guess that hurts me the most is that he has never had to feel unimportant, not a priority, or an afterthought, or convenience, and I love him so much and thought and he tells me he loves me the same way, so I don't understand why he's okay letting me feel that way. I don't ask to be anyone's first priority. But I do kind of expect to feel like I am in someone's top 10 priorities.

Now he virtually walks on egg-shells not knowing if I'll get upset if his best friend is having family troubles and needs a shoulder to cry on. Obviously there are somethings he should do and will have to do that will require breaking promises to me, and I've conveyed to him that these situations aren't what i'd get upset at. But this too hasn't seemed to get through to him.

What can I do to get through to him that this is something that really hurts my feelings, and honestly, at this point might be jeopardizing our engagement, not because I don't love him or want to marry him, I've waiting to get to call him my husband for so long now, but because at some point if he doesn't work on this area, I know he will never and I can't go through my life feeling like an afterthought in my husband's life? I don't know is it just me? Am I over reacting?

sorry for the super long post!

Tdlr; my fiance breaks promises to me and doesn't invite me to things I should be at and am expected to be at, and I don't know what to do...

Submitted February 01, 2020 at 05:26PM by neverthereyet https://ift.tt/2SbhfiX