So, some background. The best friend I ever had was a guy who I met when we were 7. We were a lot smarter than other kids our age, we both liked sci-fi, we both had moms who didn’t love us and were abusive in one way or another, and we had this super intense bond from the day we met.
I had my first panic attack at 11, in the middle of class. I didn’t have many friends before that, and after that he was my only friend for a while and even then I isolated myself from him too over the next couple years. Part of that was us being put in the opposite sections from each other so we didn’t have any classes together.
Then the first day of 8th grade happened (age 13). Up until that point I still hadn’t started noticing any boys and then I saw my best friend after a few months of not having seen him and I will never forget that day. He was my first crush, I found out later I was his.
He almost died a couple years later and I didn’t know until he was back in school. We’d both kept our distance for similar reasons, which again found out later, because we didn’t know how to handle our feelings for each other and didn’t think the other was interested. I cried in the middle of class at how intense my feelings for him still were and how I almost lost him and no one would’ve told me because no one knew how important we were to each other, even kept at a distance.
Then the last year of high school. We were together half the day the entire year and it was great. Except we both kept our real feelings hidden still. It sucked to see him date this girl, who picked fights about all of his friends but especially me, she gaslighted him, got him so twisted up about how he is that years later, when we were 24, our feelings finally broke open and things happened. I thought we were going to be something together but it never happened. Got close but when the time came for the last little bit he would shut it down.
Eventually it got to where I was feeling rejected hardcore because he wouldn’t even really talk to me he didn’t put any effort into making plans with me and I know it’s not because he didn’t have feelings for me. It’s that he decided I would be better off without him. I stopped reaching out first, it just hurt so much that he was acting like he wanted me to leave him alone.
It’s been five months of absolutely no contact. He deleted his Facebook, made a new one, hasn’t reached out. It is so ridiculously hard some days to get through it without breaking down. He always said he would at least stay around as a friend but it must’ve gotten too painful for him, too. I can’t really talk to anyone about it in my real life so I’ve been doing it alone. And I know that if he ever does reach out it won’t be for years, if ever. And it sucks so much more than any relationship breakup I’ve ever had.
TLDR: mutually in love with best friend since about 13, found out at 24, now 26, sucks so much to be no contact
Submitted February 01, 2020 at 09:54AM by PerilousRainbow https://ift.tt/390PjFj
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