Dealing with judgment from my mother for persuing professional treatment for my severe acne [me 23f with my mother 56f]

My mother has always been 'anti-beauty.' When I was growing up, she made sure to drive home the importance of personality and kindness over physical appearance - which is something that I really appreciate her for and believe has helped me become the person that I am today.

However, appearance has always been an area that we clashed over. I've always loved fashion, and self-expression, which is what I actually wound up going to school for. When I was younger, my mother would be furious if I got any new clothes at all, even if I had saved up for them myself. She felt that fashion and beauty were frivolous.

My mother has always dressed incredibly frumpily. It's funny because she's an artist! She makes beautiful things! But she doesn't care about her looks... I think this is actually an avoidance thing that maybe she's either given up on or is insecure about. She's always underdressed to the point where it's embarrassing, even my father makes a point to dress better when we go out to eat or to a small event. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and she can present however she wants to, but I do feel like there's a component there where she actually thinks negatively of anyone who actually cares about or puts any effort into their appearance.

Because I've always been more fashion-oriented and actually enjoyed appearance-related things... not in a vain way but just through interest, I've been made to feel like a bad person, as though my priorities were totally off.

When I was a teenager, all of my friend's moms were taking them to estheticians for facials when they started developing acne. On the other hand, I had never even been to a nail salon, got my hair cut at supercuts, and facials were a totally foreign concept to me.

My mother doesn't believe in pampering or self-care.

When trying to manage my stress at university and attempting to incorporate a little pamper as self-care into my free time, my mother would be pissed if she saw that I bought something like soy candle or soothing bath product... I bought it because it made me feel a little better, a little more relaxed. My dad, on the other hand, booked me a massage for the first time at the age of 22, behind my mother's back lol.

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So there's your background.

I've been suffering from severe hormonal acne ever since I turned 21. It's definitely due to a hormonal imbalance, and over the years I've been working incredibly hard to figure out what's wrong with my body, because it shouldn't be producing extremely painful, huge, cystic acne all over my face.

At first, my mom just said that she had acne when she was younger, that some people just "have acne" and told me to just live with it. I almost felt like she was pleased with the fact that I looked terrible.

After further research and doctors visits, I did determine that this was definitely a condition that was stemming from something internal, and something that I needed to take care of and balance, or else I would face other problems down the road. That's when she started to listen.

My dermatologist is really unhelpful and I've learned that they are more there for skin diseases, not skincare and holistic solutions to things. They kept wanting to prescribe me long-term, usually ineffective, harsh medication and antibiotics to deal with it... and even then it won't necessarily work, especially not at treating the core issue.

I will be seeing an endocrinologist soon, it's difficult to get an appointment, but in the meantime, I found a really promising solution. Laser.

I took it into my own hands to consult a nurse at a plastic surgery clinic that also specializes in laser treatments. The woman used to work in dermatology, understands that the underlying cause of it is hormonal, and didn't try to up-sell me. She said that she wouldn't want to do anything that actually touched my spots and would irritate them more. She did say, however, a lot of her clients have seen really positive results with a specific type of gentle laser treatment that they do over a few sessions. I learned more about it, read possibly every review and experience on the internet, and decided that this was a really good thing for me to pursue. I would much rather do a series of laser sessions that will improve the way that my skin reacts to hormonal issues, and that speeds up the healing process, than going on longterm medication that will cause a host of other issues along the way.

The treatment that I'm persuing does have lasting results, also serves as early anti-aging treatment, and cures/prevents rosacea, which my whole family is prone to and I'm pretty much doomed to get. The results are long-lasting and after my initial sessions, I can choose to do maintenance around once or twice a year, if I want.

Oh... and I have a job and I'm paying for this with my own money.

I am currently staying with my parents although I live with my husband overseas (just getting a visa now). When I came home from my consult, it was the first time that I had really felt any hope for my acne, or positive about any treatment possibility. I was excited to talk to my mom about it, and felt like it was the first adult medical decision that I was really making for myself.

My mom was pissed. She has no concept or understanding of how any of this works. What started with me being excited and hopeful turned into a fight between us. Finally, she started to come around, my dad chimed in and said that he thinks I should go for it and supports my decision. I felt a little better....

But my mom is back to being pissed again, we just had a confrontation in the kitchen actually.

I know that her problem probably dates back to her relationship with her mother, who also loved fashion and was concerned with her appearance... but she was much more vain. I am nothing like her.

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And honestly... I don't want to feel shame for wanting to have clear skin, for pursuing an option that does have to do with aesthetic but also treats some of the underlying issues on a medical level (making your skin less prone to redness and inflammation - which mine is and has always been physically uncomfortable for me, probably a precursor to rosacea).

And, well, shit. If this helps me get on the anti-aging bandwagon early, then great. I don't know why I should even be made to feel bad about this! It's my body, I'm an adult, I'm married for gods sake. I'm not a bad person for wanting to take care of my appearance over the course of my life! Heck, if I do it now, maybe I won't be feeling like I need to get a facelift when I'm 60! (which my grandfather did by the way, and my mom even looks down on him for "being so vain").

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It's such a difficult thing to deal with though. Since this has been going on my whole life - and again, she did teach me good values but not without a lot of guilt, I find this shame to be very deep-rooted. It's almost like she doesn't want me to be pretty... and as a result, I've struggled with understanding my appearance for my whole life. In general, I can't actually tell if I'm pretty or not because my mother always tried to knock down my appearance. I feel like my husband is way out of my league as he looks like a fricking model! And then the matter of wanting to be pretty, or more, to feel pretty, and to spend some amount of time on my appearance in order to build up my confidence is apparently an extremely selfish and terrible act in my mother's eyes.

But aside from that - this treatment will help me. I've done the research. Several sessions of this is the equivalent or less to what I would pay for years and years and years of birth control, other hormonal medications, or even Accutane, which I would have to get monthly blood tests and pregnancy tests for anyway and that equates to even more money.

It's not just that the acne looks bad. It hurts. And again, if this laser gives me other added benefits, why should I feel bad about that?

What do I do? I know that I can't change my mother, I can only change my own actions and try to deal with my feelings of shame and guilt... but it isn't an easy thing to do.

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TLDR: My mother thinks that anything appearance-related or "pampering" is vain... and bad. I'm 23, I've been dealing with severe acne outbreaks for the past few years, and I've finally decided to get laser done, on my own dollar. I've done a lot of research, had a consult, and booked the appointments. It isn't witch doctor stuff, it will definitely help me, and I'm excited for it. My mother, on the other hand, is making me feel a lot of guilt and shame for going this route. I am also pursuing an appointment with an endocrinologist and learning about how to balance hormones naturally - I'm finally ready to be proactive about this condition that I've suffered from since turning 21. It's just really hard to feel good about what I'm doing, the decision that I've made for myself, while my mother giving me hell for wanting clear skin. What do I do?

Submitted February 01, 2020 at 10:43AM by tootsdafroots https://ift.tt/31h48AR