We (24f, 29m, 3yrs together) are really struggling with communication, mainly about boundaries with a mutual friend.

He’s 29m, I am 24f and we are engaged. Been together for 3 years.

We have a mutual female friend(24f) who we use to hang out with A LOT. She’s always been a center of attention type girl, and I am the opposite. I hate being the center of attention. But she is gorgeous and has a great personality so it makes sense that lifestyle fits her.

In the past year she has gone through some major relationship issues, and we became her outlet/shoulder to lean on/etc. For me though, I was her outlet for everything. Trashing all the friendships she had, her deepest secrets, knowing who she hated but who she smiled to their face, etc etc. she would come to me to vent, and then go hang with the person she was just ranting about, pretending they were best friends. Over time it began to wear me down. I couldn’t talk to her about anything I needed advice on. It was always turned to her and her issues. I started to wonder if she trashed me to everyone else, the way she trashed them to me. Overall, I just felt it’s best that I start distancing myself, because I felt more like just a sounding board and less of a real friend. Instead of confronting her (because she’s been known to physically fight during confrontation), I decided to just try and step back from it slowly and calmly. No need to ruin the friendship, but personally the friendship didn’t feel genuine anymore.

My fiancé has always been a best friend with her also, and they knew each other before me. Through this mess he’s also been there for her. Except he is totally blind to the toxicity. She and him act a bit different. He’s always there to “rescue” her or calm her down or reassure her. There is ALWAYS a situation, and he is ALWAYS there to save the day somehow. Even over her own man. He will take her outside to talk to her and calm her down. He will carry her to the vehicle when she gets so drunk she can’t walk. He will talk on the phone with her. He has rubbed her back before trying to calm her down, and once got really drunk and several of us thought he grabbed her butt. They both insisted immediately that he was grabbing her phone from her pocket, but I got pretty upset. I just thought there was no need for it, and embarrassed other people had seen it from my perspective and thought the same thing.

The main issue I have, is he doesn’t treat me the same. If I am upset, he isn’t there rubbing my back and being reassuring. He says it’s different because “she isn’t upset with me. If you are upset , it’s usually with me and then I rather just give you space to calm down”. I don’t drink much but there have also been times I have gotten drunk and he’s not been as quick to help me, and doesn’t overall seem to care if the situation involves me.

With her he is the kindest, compassionate and caring person. He is great with me too, but more distant/cold when it comes to that stuff. Don’t get me wrong, he is VERY loving to me. But reassuring, patient and understanding? Not as much.

It’s been taking a toll on me, and often I’ve found I resent her now. When we are around her, they will go off and talk on the side for a while. I come over and it’s obvious the conversation changes. There have been several times he’s flat out ignored me also while she’s around, and it really hurts my feelings.

Unfortunately we are having a major communication breakdown. For him, he says he is just being a good friend, has zero interest in her more than being a friend, and isn’t crossing any lines. For him, she was a great friend for many years and he has no desire to treat her “badly” but stepping back a bit. It’s almost like he enjoys the constant drama with her, but he’s vocally annoyed if I have any drama. He’s not usually a drama kind of guy, and he doesn’t treat any of his other girl friends this way.

I’ve spent the past year talking to him about this. It’s continuously gotten worse because he can’t relate and understand to why I’m uncomfortable with some of these interactions. I feel immediate jealousy when I’m watching her get the reassurance and patience that I’m not getting from him at home. I get really annoyed when he will leave me alone to go sit with her and chat with her for an hour. Like I get he’s allowed to have friends, but I feel like this friendship is more important than I am.

I’ve tried expressing every way I know how that id just prefer to be included more. And for him to not be the one to run to her aid the moment something dramatic happens. She has a husband, and MANY friends. It’s not his job, but he seems to make it his job.

I’m just really struggling because the side of him she gets, is the side of him I long for. And It’s gotten the point that this happens every single time she comes around, so I’ve started avoiding her. She’s starting to notice, and it’s definitely putting a strain on her friendship. It’s not anything she’s specifically doing, I just think she’s a bit immature and struggling in her relationship so she’s getting the attention elsewhere.

Anyway.... I mean am I in the wrong? Is there another course of action I should try? Essentially this is just beating a dead horse every time it comes up, and he will dramatically say how “fine I’ll never speak to her again” or constantly take it to the extreme. I just don’t think asking him to stop ditching me while out, for her is too much to ask? I’m really struggling with the resentment and he’s hoping the whole thing goes away on his own and he doesn’t have to change his actions one bit.

I don’t really know where to move forward with this from here. His own mother has tried telling him that he’s putting someone else above his future wife and that only seemed to make the lightbulb click for two days before he ditched me to go help her while drunk. Now we are back to arguing about it.

TLDR - my fiancé and our mutual friend are very close, which often leaves to him ditching me to hang with her. It’s making me resentful that he treats her with compassion and that’s not something he shows me very often. I get jealous because he’s so caring and kind to her, but when I ask him to tone it down(or show it to me more) he thinks I’m just being jealous/possessive and he’s done nothing wrong. Tried communicating the fact I’m uncomfortable many times, no improvement.

Submitted October 02, 2019 at 01:48PM by PopularMud https://ift.tt/352nfQL