Hi everyone!
So I've always had some disagreements with the in-laws (even before the engagement) throughout our 10 year relationship. Nothing too big or dramatic, mostly issues with differences in how I was raised and how they were. For example, my fiance (M 27) suffers from severe anxiety, and leaving for college was EXTREMELY difficult for him. I mentioned to him talking to a therapist at the school to try and work through it. When his dad found out, he called me over to his house, and lectured me about "never telling his son to go see a shrink. It'll just cause him to be put on medications and never able to get a job". Since that day, I always had a wall up around them, worried I would either say something offensive again or they might. Here are some of the examples of situations I've been dealing with. They're slowly eating at my soul and I don't know how to make them happy.
Just before the engagement, my FMIL went to my moms house, asking how much my parents planned to help out with the wedding. When my mom said "we plan to help out by being there for them not monetarily" his mom then told my mom she should at least be paying off my student loans because it's not fair to burden her son with that, when FMIL and FFIL made sure their son was out of school debt free.
After the engagement, we picked our bridal parties (only friends, no family). We decided this WELL before even being engaged. To the point to where when FH was his brothers (32) best man (all his brothers were). FH basically told his brother the title wasn't important to him, and he felt bad that his best friend wasn't in the bridal party at all, and would happily swap out for him. We also chose to not include family because we both come from HUGE families. Including all our families would leave us with a SIGNIFICANTLY larger bridal party then either of us wanted. Regardless, it should be our choice right? Wrong. His family got extremely offended, and demanded to be included (FMIL called FH to her house specifically without me, and cornered him). Now we had 7 groomsmen and 3 bridesmaids and 1 bridesman (to even it out, I asked my nieces to be jr bridesmaids for my OCD). We compromised further by making the distinction that his friends were his best men, and brothers (32, 30, 24) were groomsmen.
At the engagement party, I gave my bridal party buttons to wear. FH didn't hand them out, because he didn't want to cause drama with "who got the best man pin". In turn, everyone got mad because MY bridesman had his pin and was helping around. Apparently he was "frolicking around showing off his pin".
At the engagement party FMIL planned, she lied to the venue about our guest list size, so instead of 45 people we had 65. There weren't enough seats. I was panicking trying to put everyone somewhere, his brothers saw me panicking and offered to sit away in the corner to be sure his parents were close to us (I was in tears of joy over it because I was breaking down over it). A few days later, FFIL showed up to our house to demand to know why his sons were separated from the party. We explained that they did it so everyone else could fit. He then told me I "wouldn't understand" because I "could never possibly have the same relationship as FH has with his siblings" with mine.
FMIL went with FH to go pick out a wedding tie. The week prior I went out with her to help me find some bowties for the groomsmen, and gave her the down low on what I wanted in FH tie (white/cream/ivory/peach/floral/fun/don't match the bridesmaids). FH asked me what I wanted, and asked for pictures of the bridesmaids. I reminded them they shouldn't match the bridesmaids or the groomsmen, I wanted him to stand out. FH came home with a navy tie with BRIGHT teal decorations on it (obviously trying to match the bridesmaids colors). I told him I didn't like the tie, it wasn't at all what I told either of them and it disappointed me. He agreed and didn't realize it meant a lot to me, so he agreed to change it to something that fit in more with the setting. When his mom found out, she didn't talk to him for days, and then told FH's brother that he "needs to grow a pair or else usakomamo's gonna walk all over him".
So now were here. Wedding is less then 2 months away. I decided to create a "week of" itinerary with some important contact information to share with both our families should (fingers crossed) anything go wrong. His family has been complaining about our lack of communication (we're planning a semi-destination wedding, and are at the finish line). On it I have a small calendar, the bridal party contacts, vendor contact info, addresses, and the actual agenda. This year both my parents turn 70, so my family is planning on doing a lunch or something to celebrate them (this was included on the agenda because FH and I will be there and everyone is invited to it). This event is being planned by my siblings. Not. Me. Our wedding date falls on one of FH brothers birthday. We decided to buy a surprise cake for him and sing him happy birthday at some point that night since both of the families will be there. Nobody has mentioned doing anything else for him.
- They're upset that I didn't include him in the "birthday shout out". I repeat, this isn't a birthday shout out, it's an actual event that will be actually happening on that day.
- They're upset their sons are not classified under "groomsmen" and not "best men".
- They're upset that the youngest is the last one on the list. (I wrote it in age order).
Maybe I'm crazy, but NONE of my siblings are mentioned ANYWHERE except for my brother who is officiating the wedding. NONE of them made a stink about it. My nieces aren't mentioned ANYWHERE because, surprise, they're 14 and would be pointless to have anyone call them for anything. Guess who never made a stink about anything?
I'm slowly but surely losing my mind. I'm caught between my typical "I want everyone to be happy" self and my stubborn self. I think FH has to be the one to wrangle it in, but every time he tries, they turn it on him.
I don't know how to make them happy. I don't know how to remind them that it's OUR wedding. Basic things like the bridal party should be our decision 100%. I don't know how to tell them they need to stop taking it all as a personal attack first instead of just going to us and talking to us and ACCEPTING when we say "no thanks". I don't want to ruin our relationship, I want to build it with them, but it's so hard when everything we do I always end up coming off as the bad guy (not liking the tie, I made the week of agenda, I gave the bridesmaids buttons, etc).
Also, in case it matters, they are not helping with the wedding. The only thing they have helped with are small details they have purchased on their own and paying for the videographer (because we didn't want one and told them if they wanted it they could pay for it).
TL;DR
My in-laws are taking offense to nearly every single aspect of our wedding along the way, from our bridal party, to our week-of plans. I'm exhausted from constant worry about "how can they take offense to this" before sending them anything, or telling them anything. FH has tried to talk to them, but no matter what he says it's turned around on us. How can we make them understand that we aren't out to get them??
Submitted October 24, 2019 at 08:03PM by usakomamo https://ift.tt/2WdJFu8
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