My (18F) 1st yr in college, having problems that I don't know how to talk to my parents(55f, 57m) about

content warning for depression (probably), mentions of suicidal thoughts

Exposition:

I'm probably depressed. Existential dread and constantly thinking about death since age 6, suicidal/self-harm ideation since middle school (about 12). I kind of always brushed it off as too much imagination or nightmares or listening to too much MCR and kept dismissing it until high school beginning of sophomore year. Had a 3 hour long crying session during summer break at the end of which I asked if depression runs in the family (my grandmother had depression) and my parents laughed it off saying that grandma's was post-natal and not everyone can be happy all the time.

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Current context:

I'm a college student in US paying international student tuition (which is hella, hella expensive). My parents are super hard-working people who are putting me and my 2 older brothers through college. I got into a super competitive school for my major, and my parents decided to send me there (I wanted to go to a cheaper but still good alternative) despite it being 1.5 times more expensive than either of my brothers' tuition.

My first semester went like a dumpster fire and I ended up with a GPA notably/significantly below 3.0 after a disastrously late Literature assignment and Math final that left me debating if my dorm building was tall enough to... y'kno, end it upon impact if I started from the top.

Cue Thanksgiving break, I go home and my mom cries bc of my shit grades and they both yell at me. Also since they're putting 3 kids through international tuition college, money's tight and if I do this again they might stop sponsoring my education to invest in my brothers' - which, like, understandable.

2nd semester now and the cycle has happened again, my grades are shit, I'm actively engaging in self-destructive behaviors (it's almost 5am right now), and I just want to give up and have a time out on reality for a year. My GPA again will probably be shit. All this while I still haven't gotten an official diagnosis or antidepressants, plus I'm lost on whether my major is the right one for me right now.

I don't want to seem like I'm making excuses after disappointing them so badly. I don't want to seem like a pill chaser or that I'm getting into drugs. I don't want to hurt them (which is impossible, so I want to minimize the hurt they'll feel).

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How the hell do I approach this conversation? Does anyone have any ideas? Really don't want to hit them with the 'I've actively fantasized about dying for the past 10ish years but the thought of mom's tears keep me from the brink.'

Sorry if this isn't the right sub, I thought this would be better for advice in general than r/depression I guess and I don't know any better ones.

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td;lr Depressed bastard goes to college and fucks up round one, is now fucking up round two and having career doubts on top of it all. Bastard's parents do not know about the probable depression, but do know about the fuck up round one. How should bastard tell them about the general situation?

Submitted April 03, 2019 at 02:50AM by drifterrare https://ift.tt/2FTBWLk