Okay - I hope I can make this short and to the point.
I had my first drink at 14. I used to drink to get drunk as a teen and it became worse into my early 20s. I’ve woken up in places I shouldn’t have, found myself having sex with people I had no inclination to ever do so. I’ve blacked out and done things I’ve regretted.
I live with my partner [27/M] and I’ve talked about how I think I may have a problem and want to cut back but I think in his mind that it should be easy and I can stop. He’s had a healthy family dynamic growing up. I did not. Nevertheless, the problem is, I can’t stop drinking. I find myself drinking in secrecy. I find myself drinking excessively. Drinking is about getting drunk to me. I may not drink everyday but when I do, it’s to get drunk.
Last night I drank in secrecy before my partner got home. We had sex but I don’t remember. I’m pretty sure he knew I was drunk but chose to ignore it, like he has multiple times before. Obviously sex was consensual but I think he ignores my drunkenness because maybe he doesn’t want to admit I do have a problem. And honestly, because he doesn’t call me out on it, I use it as an excuse to enable myself.
But I don’t remember having sex and it’s frightening because I’ve been having those kinds of episodes every time I drink. The next day he’ll talk about how sex was amazing and I just go along with it, although internally I am cringing.
Now, I don’t want to go to and AA meeting because they are more religious based in my area. Also, my father runs one of the chapters and intermingles with the other chapters. It’s not that I don’t want him to know; I do not talk to him because of the multiple types of abuse he perpetuated towards me growing up and as an adult.
Honestly, I want to stop drinking and I don’t know how or where to go. Any advice?
TLDR: I drink too much. I want to get clean.
Submitted April 04, 2019 at 09:39AM by Iknowidrink https://ift.tt/2UBdXsM
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