I'm [30 F] raising my brother [16 M] and he is making it impossible for me to date due to him throwing fits. I absolutely adore my boyfriend [33 M] of several months and don't know what to do.

Background:

Ive had my brother (I am a guardian, he is not adopted) since he was 12. He has ADHD and is on meds. Our mom died a decade ago, our dad 4 years ago. Had my other brother (17) for a year and had to remove him from home a couple years ago. I lost my job as a successful engineer during that time and had to take a lower paying, less stressful position to accommodate my brother. Our grandma died earlier this month. I divorced my ex husband about a year ago. A lot of churn and hardship. I also am in weekly counseling.

Things I am doing, have tried, or looked into in regards to my brother:

• He is in monthly counseling and has been for nearly 4 years with same psychologist. He mostly refuses to talk.
• He sees a psychiatrist every 3 months for ADHD.
• We spend at least one night a week together, family movie night every week, and sometimes two or three just doing brother sister stuff and I make sure I spend quality time with him. He is not neglected and dominates most my time these days.
• Looked into boarding and/or military schools, applied to dozens, we cannot afford them and he was not accepted at the couple we could afford. This is not an option but many people suggest it like it is. I spent months vetting it, sadly it is not.
• Giving up guardianship, but the state will not allow this. They do not want kids in the system and its near impossible to achieve this.
• Currently having him research emancipation but he is unlikely to meet the requirements for it.
• Reached out to all extended family. My other brother lives with a step aunt and there is no one but me to care for my brother. I have exhausted every avenue.
• Have called the police on him and gotten him arrested for property damage once.

Current:

I have recently started seriously dating (about 2 months now committed) a guy who I am really falling for. He is amazing. He is unlike any other guy I have ever met and makes me extremely happy for the first time in so many years I can't even remember. He is kind and understanding. He has made a lot of effort to work with me raising my brother. He spends time trying to find ways to engage with my brother and has made a lot of efforts towards including him where we can.

We work opposite schedules so seeing each other isn't easy, often we only have an hour here or there or one of us misses sleep on the weekend. So we value our time together.

Its getting to the point though my brother is making it a very serious issue. I either have to miss sleep to see him because I can't have him at my house or I don't get to see him.

I'm really sad, I see this going somewhere and I don't want to lose that chance because my brother I am trying to raise is a total jerk.

Brother's behavioral issues:

• He has always been disrespectful towards me, it got much worse after my ex husband moved out. I am regularly called awful names I cannot repeat here and told to eff off whenever he doesn't get what he wants.
• He will scream, blast music, slam things, and be unbearable for hours at a time when he doesn't get what he wants or I have someone at my house. Recently he has started doing this middle of the night so I cannot sleep because he is mad I see my boyfriend for an hour or so after he, my brother, is supposed to be in bed anyway. (I should note we are not intimate in my house, my boyfriend isn't comfortable with it and my brother would make it impossible anyway so we just want to sit on the couch and talk or watch something, thats it)
• He will not leave me alone when I have company. Most the time he will be in his room when Im home with just him but soon as I have someone over (within minutes), which is my boyfriend now days, he has to follow us around, be a foot from us blasting stuff from his phone, cussing at me, or making noises. If I go in my room he will stand in hallway and do it until the person has enough and leaves. My boyfriend has tried ignoring him with me for over and hour and we've both given up because ignoring him doesn't work, he just gets more and more intense. Its unbearable.
• In public my brother will say derogatory things, I cannot take him anywhere with my boyfriend and frankly I dont like taking him anywhere with just me these days either. I don't feel safe. He says racial slurs and stuff that is very possibly going to get himself and/or me killed.

I have no idea what to do. I limit wifi and try enforcing consequences, have gotten him arrested (which was just a nightmare for me really) but he will act out so much it will impact my ability to work (I can't do my job very well on little sleep). I also have bipolar and this is causing me major mental health problems and Im getting super worried about myself. His school is a nightmare, I have a behavior plan set up and a support team but they are unable to handle him well right now and he is super behind.

I essentially I have to stick this out until he is 18. I am at wits end but there doesn't seem to be another option.

Does anyone have any advice? I'd really like to keep seeing my boyfriend because it feels like it could be a very healthy longterm thing for me and Im so happy with him. But I don't know how to handle my brother and make that possible.

TL;DR: Raising my 16 year old brother. Have exhausted all other options for him. He is in therapy. No family who can take him. No ability to afford boarding or military school. He acts out intensely with no respect and is making it impossible for me to date and I dont feel safe in public with him either with what he mouths off. How to handle this?

Submitted February 26, 2019 at 03:11PM by vikingmaiden3 https://ift.tt/2GO7u7k