My [F/35] marriage [3 years, together for 8] with my husband [M/40] was falling apart (on my end), then his brother died. What do I do?

Things were getting pretty bad on my end with my husband. We have been together for 8 years, but things actually started to fall apart a year or so after we were married.

We have had some bumps in life, and already were having a hard time individually, and things were getting to us. He lost his job, my job situation became precarious and toxic but I not only cannot leave, I have to work harder and harder to make sure I can keep the job (and our health insurance) as long as possible. My father passed away leaving me with mountains of paperwork to manage with his estate and a very sick mother to care for with all the spare time I had (I am an only child now, my sister passed away seven years ago).

I would love to say my unemployed husband leaped into the breach to support me in this tough time, but he became more and more withdrawn and difficult. Part of that was because of not having a job and not really knowing how to find a new one (a whole issue on its own); part was from his fun, easy-going wife becoming stressed and depressed; part was from ongoing difficulties with his own family - a widowed mother in another country he supports emotionally and financially, plus a mentally ill brother whom he also supports.

The last year and half has been pretty tough. We never used to fight, but it was happening more and more often. We stopped talking about his job situation because the conversations would go in cirlces and he feels so horrible about himself, but doesn't want my help. As he retreated from our life together, be poured himself more and more into what was going on with his mother and brother. He made more and more trips back home, staying longer and longer, leaving me lonely and stressed out.

I was reaching the point where we were going to need to have a serious talk about where things were going and what to do and, without any sort of warning, his brother had went into heart failure and died. He was very, very close to his brother when he was well (mentally) and always dreamed of getting him the right treatments here in the US to give him back his life. My husband has taken this loss very hard, he is destroyed and distraught. His mother, whose whole life revolved around caring for her ill adult son, is also a mess - as one would expect. Before this, she was totally dependent on my husband already as she is quite cut-off from the family there. We went back for the funeral and stayed and stayed for two extra weeks. I had to return to the US to go to work, and he told me would not be going back with me and would stay at least another month with his mother to be with her. This is not a good sign.

Seeing him with his mother, mourning his brother, I also realize that he was never really all that into being married to me. I knew all along that he was very involved with his family and they just had to come first over me in some ways. But I thought, as married life progressed, he would settle into life with me, we would have kids, buy a house and find a balance taking care of our "families of origin" while building one together. I took a chance that is how it would go, and it didn't.

My husband was losing interest in our marriage. Now I find that he is both more and less interested. He was so grateful for my support after his brother passed. I went with him to ID the body because his mother couldn't bare to do it. I went with him t make the arrangements for the funeral and stayed up all night with him at the wake. For the to weeks we were there, I took care of everything - the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping. I pulled him aside when he needed the space to let him cry alone with me, or to just hold him in quiet safety. I held his mother as she cried so he didn't have to tall the time. Every night he fell asleep curled up in my arms clinging to me. I took him on walks to distract him, we went places to talk about his brother and how to remember him well. I expect no thanks for this, because I am his wife, for heavens sake and this is just basic spousal support. I know he feels like he couldn't have made it through those weeks without me, though I am sure he would have one way or another.

Now I am back in the US alone, and I don't know what to do. I am pretty sure that the loss of his brother, and without strong ties to me or our life in the US, will cement my husband's life back "home" with his mother. I imagine it will be months before life there can somehow return to a sort of normal. This just blew a hole in his heart and his life. He has said many times he also wants to die, and I know he is not suicidal but it shows he is in the throws of extreme greiving.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I also have a dead marriage on my hands and am just living alone with the corpse. I don't know when I will see my husband again or if we can live togeher as husband and wife the same way. I certainly feel we can't have any sort of discussion about this, so I guess I just eat it and live with it? Avoid talking about it with my friends and family?

What the hell do I do?

TL;DR - Marriage was on the skids, then my husband's brother died and I have no idea what to do.

Submitted January 28, 2019 at 08:45AM by throwaway_5411 http://bit.ly/2S9vd74