I had a falling out with my parents recently and have hardly spoken with them since November. My issue is with the relationship between my parents and my children.
My kids are 3 and 6 and up until now have had a close relationship with their grandparents. Since they were babies they would spend the night once a week and in early 2018 my family moved in with my parents while we saved to purchase a home. It was hell. While my relationship was already strained with my parents (mostly my mother) it was exacerbated with living AND working (since 2009) for them. My parenting decisions were consistently undermined and I was yelled at and belittled by my mother in front of my children on several occasions.
Our home environment became progressively worse and the last few weeks we were living there we stayed with friends and family on the weekends. We kept busy during the week to be home as little as possible because you never knew what mood you would get from my mom. It was weird… she wanted us to constantly be there but at the same time out of her way. Always questioning where we were going, what time we would be back… like we were children. Not bending to her rules would ignite a fire and spiral out of control so we tried to avoid the whole situation and keep a happy environment for the kids.
My mother has control issues. Little things will set her off and my father will follow suit because he is a “supportive husband”. For instance, one time she had given the kids ice cream already 4 times that day. Four times! I know how she gets so I try not to nitpick but it was just getting out of control. When I said “no” to even moreice cream she flipped out and started yelling and demeaning me in front of the kids.
Another time had to do with diapers. My youngest wears a pullup to bed. He happened to have a wet one and that morning I went to put it in the kitchen trashcan. As it’s mid-air falling into the pail she gives me a deathly look and begins to rant about how that is disgustingand diapers DO NOT belong in the kitchen trashcan. Okay, 1, this is a new fucking rule, and 2, this is coming from the same woman who had a litterbox by the front door….?? I shut my mouth and keep walking which just makes it worse. I know I could have handled that differently but it was early and I didn’t feel like playing that game. I left it and walked away. My father later gave me a verbal lashing about how I should have immediately apologized and picked it up and put it in the bathroom.
It sounds so stupid when I write it. Small things would set her off and I would end up feeling like a crazy person because I still don’t understand what I did that was so wrong.
I can deal with undermining my parenting, because I understand that our living situation was temporary. I can deal with being yelled at too for the same reason. But the straw that broke the camels back was when I found out my parents told my husband I wanted to leave him and they held my post partum depression against me.
Then we buy a house and move out. I haven’t brought the kids over there because we all need space and a break from everything. This makes them upset. They ask me when I’m bringing the kids over (I say I don’t know) and then ask me why they aren’t allowed to see the kids anymore (I never said that). So my dad tells me to leave. Then 30 minutes later I get an email telling me I’m fired.
I’m done. I reached the end of my rope and that was it. I started therapy but financially I can’t go as much as I’d like.
So, while I want absolutely nothing to do with my parents I don’t know what is appropriate with my children. I wish I trusted myself more but I honestly don’t know what is the right/healthy thing to do. We don’t want to keep the kids from having a relationship with their grandparents because they do enjoy each other but having them once a week and whenever they want is an absolute fuckall no.
About a month after we moved out we finally let them see the kids. “Whatever we can get” is what my dad said so my husband dropped them off for a few hours. The very next weekend they asked to see the kids again and “to go Christmas shopping”. My husband and I agreed that we don’t want to make this an expected, regular thing like before but allowed them to go spend the day with them because it was Christmas.
Then the next weekend the same thing happens. They want to see the kids before Christmas because they’re leaving for a trip. Umm wasn’t this the same reason you saw them last weekend? My husband and I try to avoid it as long as possible but finally he texts back and says no. Then my dad writes back and says “seriously?”. Then he starts calling. Husband doesn’t answer. Then he shows up at my house. I answer the door and get questioned/grilled/gaslighted on why they can’t see the kids before Christmas. It doesn’t end well.
They go on their trip to visit my sister and their other grandbaby. They facetime with the kids Christmas morning. They day they come back from their trip NYE at 6pm my mom sends my husband a text that says “we want to see the kids tonight and have them tomorrow.” They aren’t even in the same state yet! My husband calls, says no, we have plans for tonight and tomorrow with the kids but they can see them this weekend. It’s not good enough. They don’t understand why we can’t drop them off at their house tonight when they get back at 830/9pm and pick them up before noon the next day.
So then today, my dad just shows up again asking why they can’t come over. Dangling presents and gifts in front of the kids to get them riled up to see their grandparents. This weekend still isn’t good enough and they want them RIGHT NOW.
What do I do? I feel like we have done more than most people would have. On one hand I feel like I’ve been abused my whole life and gotten out the fog and should cut them out completely because they’re just going to keep pushing, but on the other I don’t want to keep my kids from having grandparents. Please help.
TLDR: Grandparents are emotionally abusive to daughter but feel entitled to her kids.
Submitted January 01, 2019 at 05:15PM by 7989022 http://bit.ly/2EZJYDj
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