He is my siblings’ (F23) (M15) biological dad/the only dad I’ve ever had. He was extremely abusive to my mom. She got out when I was 15 & he manipulated us against her (said she had abandoned us because she didn’t want to be a mother) so we were estranged for 5 yrs. I basically raised my little siblings while he checked out emotionally. We lived in constant fear of his anger & did everything to keep him happy, but all he ever did was criticize & call us names (useless, ungrateful, fat, stupid, too sensitive, etc).
At 17 I broke down & was in a psych ward for 2 weeks. At 20 I overdosed on my klonopin rx out of sheer desperation for the pain to end. After my hospitalization, he said I was too weak to face life & should live at home with him. Thankfully my mom stepped up. She was the only one who believed in me & helped me get better. At 23 I went back to school with no support (financial or otherwise) from him, worked full time & attended night classes. I started therapy, mourned my childhood & began learning basic things like emotional regulation, self-esteem, & self-trust. I still struggle in many ways but am proud of how far I’ve come. In 2021 I graduated college with honors.
Even though he never changed, I forgave him & understand he never meant to hurt us, that he is like a volcano overflowing with pain & destroying everything in its path. He is my dad & I will always love him, but we are not that close. He doesn’t ask about my life or try to get to know me. I try to maintain firm boundaries to protect my sanity.
After having Covid, his kidneys went from manageable to very bad. Lately he has been in & out of the hospital. His doctor has recommended he start dialysis while awaiting his turn on the waitlist (average wait is 3-5 yrs). He does not want to be hooked up to a machine 5 hrs/day, 3x/wk. What he wants instead is for a family member to donate. One of his sisters can’t due to a heart condition & the other has flat out refused. He has no close friends or relatives because he has alienated just about everyone in his life. His girlfriend (35) is getting screened.
He never actually asked me & my sister if we would consider having a literal piece of ourselves cut out for him, merely pointed to some paperwork on the table & said, “there’s some forms for you & your sister to fill out, I want to have you both tested to see if you’re a match.” It’s clear he feels entitled to ask this. Obviously I don’t want him to die, but he’s not dying, he has options. I’m certain that donating my kidney would change nothing about our relationship & he would still be his narcissistic self. I fear having a breakdown if I make this sacrifice for him & he is not grateful. A voice in the back of my mind says he’s taken enough from me. Why should I undergo surgery/recovery & live with one kidney for him? What if another loved one needs a kidney down the line? I don’t want to do it, but my aunts say it will be our fault if he dies. How can I navigate this situation without alienating my dad & family?
TL;DR - My dad’s kidneys are failing & I am being pressured to donate mine but can’t bring myself to do it after an abusive childhood.
Submitted June 01, 2022 at 04:20PM by yazzydee https://ift.tt/R7Mjid4
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